


Beautiful In My Eyes

by 500daysofvic



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Blind Character, Blind!John, Disability, Drug Use, F/F, F/M, Foster Care AU, Henry Laurens A+ Parenting, Highschool AU, M/M, Not today, Underage Drinking, adoption au, is this my theme?, its a party - Freeform, probably, representation tbh, seriously not a good dude, this fic is gonna be so unoriginal, usually i make henry an okay dude, which is different for me mans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2018-10-27 12:51:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 26,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10809411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/500daysofvic/pseuds/500daysofvic
Summary: John's life has been a jumble of wrong turns and mistakes and some pretty dark stuff. From becoming blind at a young age, and then having to move foster homes continually until he was 16, when he finally landed with the Washington's, and their son, Gilbert.so here we follow as John literally, blindly finds his way through a new high school with the help of his adopted brother's friends.more specifically, a warm skinned, small, quick witted, angry boy who John can't stop thinking about.





	1. "I Wish They Would Only Take Me As I Am"

**Author's Note:**

> i'm back! and better than ever-- 
> 
> because this chapter was Beta'd! and my writing is an absolute mess omg so everyone thank [Ilan!](http://harold-the-pansexual-llama.tumblr.com)
> 
> and [this is her AO3](http://http://)

I’d like to think that maybe I deserve a better life than the one I’ve been given. But that sounds cocky, like I don’t appreciate being alive. I mean, I don’t—wait, never-mind.

Anyway—I don’t know. My life isn’t some cool ‘abandoned-kid-meets-new-family-and-falls-in-love’ bullshit. I’ve bounced through two group homes and an ‘emergency placement’ house and am now on my way to my new (probably) ever loving adoptive family who wants to help the poor blind boy though they have never had experience with a blind asshole who doesn’t want help and doesn’t need you to fucking touch him and help him up the stairs, BARBARA.

I’m getting off track again, Hi. Anyway—yes folks you read that right, I’m blind. We can just say the cause was trauma, then from the trauma I got this great infection in my retinas, and some good time cataracts, like someone’s grandpa-- it’s not a pretty picture kids. My eyes are glassed over, all the pigment is hidden from my eyes. People say they look milky white, like melting snow. I haven’t seen melting snow since I was 8 so...sure.

I’m off topic again—so I’m on the way to my new foster home. I’ve been in the backseat of my caseworker’s clunky, old car for about 3 hours since this morning – that doesn’t include the 6 hours we drove yesterday—

She said we were 20 minutes out, about 17 minutes ago, so exciting. I’m not sure where I’m going. My caseworker, let’s call her Kitty, said it was right outside New York City.

I could feel the cold air already burning the tip of my nose— Kitty didn’t have the best heater in her car—a wild difference from the substantially warm winter South Carolina was having.

Finally I heard the texture of the road change, from smooth asphalt to crunching gravel.

“Okay Johnny, we’re here…. Could we try to have an optimistic outlook? Could we buck up just enough to see the world won’t fall apart if you let some people in?”

In response I just shrugged and felt around to pop the door open, extending my walking cane.

Can you imagine? I am such a walking fucking stereotype; the blind kid with the sunglasses inside and the cane. I love that shit, stereotypical ideologies.

It’s the only stereotypical thing about me, it works well for me. I stand up and hear the snow and gravel crunch under my feet as Kitty walks around to where I stand. Her steps are different, they don’t crunch as much snow as me, or anyone else; she has heels on and they sound different from my sneakers crushing gravel and snow.

She wraps an arm around my bicep guiding me away from the car, I just sigh and lean away from her. I hate when people try and fucking guide me, I’m not a dog, I have the fucking cane for a reason.

We go up one step, two steps, three steps. They’re not concrete, it’s smoother? Like marble? Or granite.

Suddenly there’s a booming voice, deep but smooth, a man. He’s probably a giant, at least 6’2’’.

Cool blind superpower: you can tell where people’s voices are coming from, and he absolutely is above me.

“Hello, John! My name is George, I am one of your adoptive parents. It’s great to finally meet you. I’m going to shake your hand.” George speaks calmly, and let’s be honest—

I’m fucking shocked.

My last foster dad waited for a solid 5 minutes of awkward silence before realizing I couldn’t see his hand.

I just nod and switch my cane into my left hand, before shaking his. He has a strong grip—his hands are warm and only slightly calloused.

“Hello sir. It’s a pleasure to be in your – what I can only guess is beautiful—home.” I say, eliciting a chuckle out of George.

“That is true, son, but you’ll get a ‘feel’ for it—“ George adds this through his fit of laughs, and I can’t help but join in.

I feel kitty slip her arm off of mine.

“Do you need help into the house, son? Or can you manage?” George asked, releasing my hand. This is great, like, this guy can’t be real deal? Respecting my space?

I just switch the cane back into my dominant hand and shake my head. “No sir, I can make it.”

 

After a quick tour of me being able to bump my cane around and memorize the front room, I let George lead me to the kitchen—

 

And of course, because I am John, and bad things happen to John, I walk in the kitchen—bump into the counter and feel a Pyrex dish topple down with a heavy shatter.

“Fuck! Sorry, sorry! I didn’t mean to—“ I cut myself off, kneeling down and feeling around for the pieces of glass, pushing them all into what I hope is one big pile.

“John no!” I heard George.

“I got it!” an unfamiliar voice chipped in, thick with a foreign accent I've never heard before

Whatever was in the Pyrex was squishy and wet, gross. It left my hands greasy—smells like pasta? Must’ve been lasagna.

Instantly I feel a set of arms that are smaller than George’s but bigger than Kitty’s pull me up by the arms softly, then release me once I’m back on my own feet.

“Hey! Hey, you’re okay! I’m Gilbert. Let’s wash your hands, no? The sink is to your left,” this new voice—Gilbert—describes. I fumble with turning the water on, but once I figure it out and get my hands clean, Gilbert speaks up again, his accent still unidentifiable to me, and shoves a towel into my hands. “Sorry about that, mon Chou. I left the how you say-- noodle pie too close to the edge of the counter, and if you didn’t bump it I would’ve,” he finishes laughing softly.

“I’m your frère by the way—well, technically. Not like, real brothers because I’m really brown, and you’re only kinda brown, but perhaps we will seem to be brothers! Because George is brown, and Martha is from the Puerto Rico, like you—so you’re the same brown! Do you know what brown is petit frère?—“ Gilbert babbled on, rambling.

“Gilbert!! Of course he knows what brown is! Finish cleaning this up now, please!” a female voice chimes in, coming closer from wherever she was before. Though she had a soft voice, it was one that made you do whatever you were told.

I feel a warm hand on my arm, her voice is sweet and light and she has this maternal energy to her. Instantly I feel comforted.

“Hello John, my name is Martha, I’m your foster mother. Your file says you’re Puerto Rican. _¿Tu hablas español?_ ” (do you speak Spanish?)

Instantly I’m beaming—no one had spoken Spanish with me since my mom died.

So that’s how we get to where we are now:

I’m sitting at this table, in a warm house in New York, with what I think could be the family I’ve always hoped for.

I hear George fighting with Gilbert about the pineapple pizza debacle, and Martha is helping me register for classes at Central Park High School for Monday.

 

This can be the start of something pretty badass, if I do say so myself.


	2. "I Am No Longer Sure of Myself"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lets meet some friends ok

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> re-uploaded and beta'd by the wonderful [Ilan!](http://harold-the-pansexual-llama.tumblr.com)
> 
> and [this is her AO3](http://http://archiveofourown.org/users/And_Penny/pseuds/And_Penny)

The first three days I spent with the Washington’s were probably the best time I’ve ever had with a new family, but by Sunday I was ready for school. I always loved school, blind or not.

Sunday:

Gilbert led me up the stairs describing things to me;

“There are many pictures on our wall, our family picture from when we vacationed in Paris, for my… 16th birthday? Oui, sixteen. Mon Dieu, it seems so long ago now….”

Finally we reach what I can only assume is my room. The air is cool, and the carpet is soft under my socked feet. Gilbert lets go of my arm and places my cane in my hand

“Well, petit frère, feel your way around. I’ll be on your bed when you feel ready to join me” Gilbert finishes and I hear him fall back onto the bed softly.

After a few taps around, making a mental map in my head of how many steps the dresser is from the bed and from the door, as well as a desk at the other end of the room, I slowly lay on the bed, feeling to make sure Gilbert isn’t close, he must realize this as he chimes in “do not worry frère, I am over here” his voice is distant, at the foot of the bed. I just sigh and lay across the top.

Gilbert’s phone continues to go off as we sit in a comfortable silence. The TV,which Gilbert must’ve turned on, is playing quietly in the background.

“You are very quiet, but you seem to have a lot to say,” Gilbert says softly. I just shrug—I never was a big talker.

His phone pings softly again, and I finally speak up

“So… who keeps texting you?”

“Ah—mes amies, you’ll meet them at school. Maybe we could add you to the group chat once George gets your phone set up.”

“Uh… will you describe them to me?”

“Of course, mon frère. Hercules is, what you Americans call, my boyfriend. Very tall, curly hair, deviously handsome….”

“I’ll make sure to remember he’s off limits” I add, laughing softly.

I hear Gilbert chuckle as he continues to describe his friends.

“Eliza, she is small, and quiet at first. Her hair is smooth, and long. Her girlfriend Maria, the exact opposite. About your height, curly hair, loud and proud we like to say.

Peggy, her sister, a year younger than us. Angelica, a year older than us. Am I forgetting someone?

Oh, yes! Alexander, mon petit lion. He is shorter than you by at least 5 inches, he’s from an island out in the middle of nowhere, and is very… explosive.”

“They sound great Gil, but what if they don’t like me?” I add quietly, pulling my glasses off and throwing them off the side of the bed.

I feel the bed move, then hear the plastic of my glasses hitting wood.

“I put them on your nightstand. I do not want you to step on them in the morning.Also, my friends will love you because I love you, frère. They are not judgmental people.

I just nod until Gil speaks up again. “You know… you don’t have to wear your glasses to hide your eyes? They are very beautiful, mon chou….”

I just sigh and roll over resting my head against my arm into the blanket “no they’re not… it just makes other people look at me with pity, Gil. The stupid fucking blind kid who can’t do anything right.”

I feel Gil lay a warm hand on my shoulder, rubbing it soothingly, “okay, okay. Whatever makes you comfortable John….”

 

Monday morning:

I managed to fumble my way down the stairs this morning, fully dressed and ready to go. Gil helped me pick out my outfit for the first day so I would match and not embarrass myself. He also threw in a beanie that his boyfriend made because it was “tres chic.”

Anyway….

“Good morning John, It’s Martha. Do you want to sit at the table with me? I’ve got oatmeal!” Martha exclaimed, surprisingly cheery for 7 am. I just smile and tap around to the table, finding a chair.

I hear Martha pull out the chair next to me and sit, placing a bowl in my outstretched hand.

“So are you excited for school today? Do you need help getting around? Is Gil going to be enough help? Should we get you a guide dog or do you like the cane? I’ve always wanted a dog but George says we need a good enough reason to have one—“ she was rambling off, which just made me laugh and actually smile, not like the same forced smile I always have, but genuine.

“Martha! I am excited, no I won’t need extra help, Gil is fine, but a guide dog you need doctor approval for and I haven’t been to a doctor since 6th grade.”

She sighs softly, taking her first breathe in what seems to be minutes.

“Okay, I’ll schedule a doctor’s appointment, because you’re in 11th grade and I feel like you’re supposed to go more often than that—I’m a nurse I know these things—it comes with the badge,” she adds with a giggle.

Next Gilbert comes down the stairs. After three days I’ve basically everyone’s movements memorized; Gil takes lighter steps than George, and Martha’s are more feminine, soft and determined.

“Come along, mon frère! My chariot awaits us!” Gil says, his voice coming closer to where I sat at the table

“You don’t want to be late, boys. John, I’m gonna put your lunch in your backpack okay?” I just nod as she unzips the backpack on my back, I hear Gil open the front door probably walking out.

“Wait! Before you go...I have your textbooks, son.” George adds as he walks down the stairs

“Uh… thanks George? But I don’t really… yenno, need, textbooks?” I say, trying to bite my tone, don’t be a disrespectful asshole they’re trying.

George lets out a hardy laugh “No… no son I know—these textbooks are in braille. You read braille right?”

I’m—I don’t know what to say? I didn’t even know they had braille textbooks. I can feel tears brimming my eyes, fuck. These were probably so expensive, and all I do is take from these people

“G-George you didn’t have to… they were probably so expensive! I don’t need them— I’ve made it this far without them!”

“Son, you’ve made it this far by barely passing. I know you can do so much more than barely…”

Well fuck now I’m full on crying. No one puts that much faith into the disabled kid, and fuck, FUCK if I don’t love having a family. I feel Martha’s small frame wrap me in a hug, then George.

I hear Gil approaching from the front room “Jonathan! We are going to be tardy if you do not come along! Jo— IS THIS A GROUP HUG WITHOUT MOI?!” and before I know it Gil is slamming himself against the three of us in a hug, I can’t help but laugh brightly, soon all four of us are busting up in laughs.

 

So—I made it through my first four periods without a hitch. In my English and Chem class I met a kid named James. He helped me find a desk and said he’d email me the notes, which is great. He has a really deep voice but he’s quiet, and congested. He said he gets sick a lot.

I’m shocked that I can apparently make friends on my own.

So here we are now; James, his boyfriend Tom, and I walking to the cafeteria. Tom is odd—sometimes he has a deep southern accent, but he also switches to French sayings halfway through. I can tell he’s tall, whilst James stands closer to my height.

Tom and I were talking about things we miss from the south (actual sweet tea, good county fairs, and specifically family owned grocery stores), when I hear Gil calling me.

“Ah, there you are Mon Frere—I have been waiting! Oh hello Thomas, James.” His tone got a little cold at the end, an emotion I was pretty sure Gil didn’t have?

After a solid three-minute silence I decided to break it, “So—I’ll see you guys later? James don’t forget to email me the notes.”

“sure thing, J” James called back as I heard him and Tom walk away

“Mon Frere, what did they do to you? Are you hurt? Were they mean?” Gil began to fret, wrapping his arm around mine guiding me into the loud cafeteria

“No Gil, James is my friend. We have English and Chem together. Tom is weird though? Whatever… but they were nice! You should invite them to eat lunch with us”

“ah… Oui, James is sweet. Too good for Tom if you ask me. But alas, my friends do not like Tom. But, you are free to choose who you sit with! Do not feel pressured to sit with me and my friends!”

I’d sit with Gil anyway—Tom can get annoying pretty quick and James doesn’t talk enough to justify sitting with. Before I can answer someone is in front of us yelling.

“Laf! Tell your stinky boyfriend to stop calling my dress ugly! He’s mad I bought it instead of letting him make it! Oh. Hi! You must be Laf’s new brother! I’m Peggy.” Her voice is light and chipper, excitable and young.

“Oh my god you’re blind. I didn’t have my hand out for you to shake—nope not me aha—who would do that? Not Margarita,” she stutters hiding her embarrassment.

I just laugh and stick my hand out for her to shake, which she gladly accepts. 

“Hey, it’s okay! You’re not the first to try and shake my hand and you definitely won’t be the last,” I say through my laughs.

“Okay good! Come meet Laf’s other friends! Well actually, we all already love you, so come meet your other friends!”

I feel Peggy wrap her hand around my wrist and pull me. Usually I’d protest or have a problem with someone guiding me, but Peggy is reassuring, talking to me the whole way until we stop and she helps me sit at the bench.

Instantly it seems like 40 people are talking to me at once and I really can’t keep up.

“Hey—HEY! SILENCE S'IL TE PLAÎT! Don’t overwhelm little John,” Gil shouts and his friends all quiet down.

After introductions I realize I am sat in between Hercules, who is absolutely double the size of Gil but not as tall as him, and Eliza, who is small, but energetic as fuck. About halfway through lunch, Angelica (I know it’s Angelica because her voice is slightly far away, and pretty deep and smooth compared to Eliza or Peggy’s) pips up

“Where’s Alex!? I just realized he never came to lunch..”

I laugh softly “Wow Gilbert, it seems like all of your friends forget about Alexander…”

The table is silent for a few seconds before they all burst out into erratic laughter.

“Oh mon Dieu…” Gil mumbles

“Laf—w-what?! Who is Gilbert!?” Hercules practically screams through his laugh leaning against me for leverage so he doesn’t fall backwards

“IT IS A NOBLE FRENCH NAME PASSED DOWN BY GENERATIONS OF NOBLEMEN!”

We all continued to laugh, and for once I felt like maybe school wouldn’t be so bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in the next chapters: 
> 
> ALEX FINALLY 
> 
> don't be rude? 
> 
> yenno some cute stuff
> 
> and some angst stuff


	3. Normality Is a Paved Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This actually happened at the authors high school, I just needed a way to introduce ham.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boop boop, a short chapter. I started a new job and have been busy so short and sweet. As always-- 
> 
> Beta'd by Ilan! 
> 
> And here is her AO3!

I can't believe how easily I was making friends? Like yeah, maybe Gil's friends don't count, but! James and Tom were my friends that I made on my own. Well, not Tom. James though!

Whatever.

Now I'm on my way to study hall -- they just slapped it on my schedule when they couldn't find another elective for me to take. (Shocker, kids; blind people can't take woodshop. Oh god, that sounded so ableist of me. There's probably a blind person who's kickass at wood working but it isn't me.)

Anyway, I think I really have this shit down pat. I'm standing at my locker-- which is exactly 5 lockers from the end of the hallway, and the only one with Braille on it-- getting my Chem textbook, some folder that's been jammed with new material for me, and putting my English textbook back when suddenly someone bumps me, dumping everything to the fucking ground.

I hear the pages from my folder whooshing away probably being stepped on. Awesome.

I should've known today was going too well for me.

"Watch it asshole." A foreign voice says in my direction. Suddenly I'm a fucking deer in headlights. Pick the shit up, stupid! Don't just stand there!

I'm on the verge of tears now; I can feel them starting to roll down my cheeks, because I'm fucking blind and I don't know where these fucking papers went and I know my cane fell too fuck this, FUCK ME. So here I am, kneeling in the hallway feeling around, just trying to get as many papers as close to me as possible.

"What the shit, Charlie?!" A loud male voice yells as he comes closer to where I'm kneeling.

"Hey, I'm sorry about him. Charlie is a dickface." He's kneeling in front of me now and I sit back on my heels as I hear him scoop up my papers.

"Here, I'm gonna help you up, okay?" To which I just nod, because of course I can't speak around a stranger because I'm actually five years old.

I feel a hand wrap around my arm. He has small hands, but they're warm and strong.

"Okay, here's your Chem book, and I think I got all your papers-- fuck."

"W-what?" I ask leaning against the lockers so I won't get bumped again.

"Uh... he kinda... broke your cane? I can help you to the office or if there's someone else you wanna call for help?"

What? Is this fuck John day? Fuck school! Fuck me! It was such a good day? And now it's fucked. I'm gonna cry in front of a stranger. Great.

I slide down the lockers burying my head in my arms.

"Hey, hey. It's okay. Do you want me to beat the shit out of him? I'm always looking for a reason to destroy Charlie. Do you want me to get a teacher? Class is about to start...."

"No! No. M-my brother. I don't know his number?" I mumble out, rushed and stressed. No, John. No panic attacks! You're fine! Yes your only mode of transportation and independence is broken but your spirit isn/t! Find Gil, you'll be okay.

"What's your brother's name? Maybe I know him." His voice is oddly soothing, like he knows exactly what he's doing.

"Gilbert? His friends call him Laf."

"I'm such a fucking idiot! I know Laf! I'm Alex. We were supposed to meet at lunch but I started volunteering to grade Mr. Knox's essays for English three-- I'll text Laf. I wish we met under better circumstances." Alex laughed softly as he began to tap the screen of his phone.

"I-I'm John by the way. Thank you for helping me."

 

-Alex's POV-

 

For the first time in my life I really don't what to say? I'm fucking speechless. Here I am, missing sixth period, sitting in the hallway with one of the most beautiful boys I've ever seen. His skin is dark, and specked with freckles across almost any open space of skin. His hair is dark, thick curls are sticking out of a beanie that I know Herc made, and his lips, oh god his lips are beautiful. Thick and pink and I bet he has the most beautiful smile. I want nothing but to see him smile.

"Mon frére! Are you alright what happened?" I snap my head up to see Laf practically running down the hallway, a frantic look on his face. He seems so stressed.

Laf instantly kneels on the other side of John resting a hand on his arm, still fidgeting. 

"Yeah, no I'm fine... just-- I went to get my books for next period and someone like tripped over my cane and I dropped my stuff a-and he came to help but my cane is broken a-and I don't know how to get to class w-without it a-and now y-you're missing class! Shit oh my god I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you miss class George and Martha are gonna be so mad at me! I didn't mean it really..." John is spiraling, throwing the beanie down and running his hands through his hair.

"Shh, Little John it is okay. Martha and George will not be mad." Laf wraps his arms around John's shoulder as my heart wrenches for him. I want nothing more than to help him. He seems so helpless and I want to squeeze him so tightly that all the pain drips right out of him. 

Oh god what is this love at first sight bullshit? I cannot believe that I literally am thinking these things about a total stranger. 

I am helpless. 

But I am damaged, far too damaged to bring another person down with me. Keep your distance, Alex. 

Laf speaking snaps me back from my thoughts. "Alexander, please help me lift John up. We will go to the office and call my parents."

I just nod and stand, pulling John to his feet with Laf.

"It was nice to meet you Alex. Maybe next time will be better circumstances." John comments with a sniffle and a laugh at the end and I can't help but feel my face split in two as I grin at the laugh that escapes John's lips. 

 

-10 minutes later, Laf's POV- 

 

John has not stopped crying since we arrived in the office. The clerk called Martha to come bring him a new cane or pick him up, which I think is unfair but I am not an administrator nor a parent so....

The clerk emailed John and my teachers, telling them we won't be in class. But none of that matters, my heart is breaking for John. His cane was his connection to independence! What now? How long until his new one arrives?

Suddenly doors are slamming and administrators are yelling, "Ma'am! You can't go back there!"

"Those are my sons!"

And suddenly, in all of her flaming glory, Martha bursts through the door of the room where the clerk sat John and me.

Her mass of curly hair clipped half up, still in her lion king scrubs, her eyes ablaze with anger until she sees John, so sad and broken. Instantly she's kneeling in front of him rubbing his knee lovingly.

"Hey baby, are you okay? Did you get hurt? Who did this? I'll end them John I swear to all of the Gods," she smiles brightly as John chuckles, rubbing his eyes under his glasses. "I'm fine. It was an accident, promise."

I decide maybe it's a good time for me to pipe up. "Alexander helped him, and brought him to the office with me."

Martha smiles and taps Johns knee. "Well that's good! At least you made friends today dear, okay? Let's go home and we can order your new cane. You'll be back in no time."

I smile and help John up as Martha wraps her arm around John's and we walk out. I love my family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slowly moving along I'm sorry this is so short? And I haven't even started the next chapter agahshsh I have free time Tuesday, so maybe I'll start writing then? Or not. But it'll come eventually. 
> 
> (Also if anyone is curious I imagine Martha as Mandy Gonzales because Nina and benny forever idc)


	4. "If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint,' then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all my knowledge on blind people is from Daredevil on netflix whoops 
> 
>  
> 
> as always: Beta'd by Ilan! 
> 
> and this is her AO3!

After finally getting home from the hell that was the first day of school, all I wanted to do was take a fucking nap. Or go to bed in general. 

Martha helped me up to my room, her hands wrapped around my bicep, quietly asking about my day (besides the tripping incident) 

“Did you make friends querido? Tell me about your day…” 

“Ma, it was so good. I think I made a few friends? Like… not even Gil's friends, like friends on my own. I never do that!” I rush out excitedly. Calm down stupid, she doesn't fucking care? God shut up shut up shut up. 

“That's good baby! Maybe you could invite them for dinner this weekend, Gil is having Hercules and Alex over for a sleep over, why don't you invite your friends too?” 

“Nah… Gil's friends don't like my friends. But it's cool that Hercules and Alex are coming..” 

“Okay querido, were at your room… do you need anything else? A drink? Lunch? I have to go back to work but George should be home in a few hours? I wish I could stay but no one would cover will you be okay? Gil will be in his room probably and come bother you eventually if you want to go down to the kitchen or whatever please be careful, agh I shouldn't even be leaving you oh my goodness I'm so sor--” Martha babbled on as she helps me sit on my bed I just chuckle as she fidgets around me. 

“Ma, it's okay I'm okay! I promise I'll be fine. I'll call for Gil if I need anything…” 

 

I hear Martha quiet for a second, jingling her keys in her hands, before she sniffles softly 

“Why are you crying? I'm fine I promise! Look” I chuckle as I stand up and stretch, walking around the room “I can still see shapes and outlines! That's a dresser, my bed is somewhere over here… maybe…” 

I hear Martha chuckle softly and sniffle again. 

“I just-- I'm.. you called me Ma, d-do you mean that? I mean no I get if it was a mistake-- you've only been here two weeks but..” she's rattling again and I just smile brightly and react out looking for Martha's arm, when her hand meets mine I pull her into a tight hug. God, of course she's like my mother, she's the only motherly figure I've ever had. 

“Yeah I meant it… if that's okay? I mean… I've never had a mom… and like-- in the office today you said my ‘sons’ not just my son and John or yeah I'm sorry I don't--” I'm rattling now wtf shut up john? Stop talking. 

I feel Martha squeeze me again “shush John, you've got a mom now” she giggles softly again and pulls away 

“Okay-- I've really got to go, seriously. Anyway-- George should be home soon, he'll order your cane… it'll take a few days to get here but he should have your cellphone too that Gilly will help you set up, if you need anything please ask Gil I don't want you to get hurt” 

 

A few hours later I'm absolutely bored shitless. I know Martha doesn't want me hurt but seriously I've heard this friends episode atleast 5 times, and I've called Gil atleast3 times but I hear his snores through the wall. so maybe some exploring is in order. The Washingtons have a huge house, I've only tapped through the first two floors. Gil tells me about the gardens out back, and there's also a basement game room, but whatever I'm here for the garden. 

Something cool I've learned these last seven years being blind, I can still draw pretty badass I think. 

Seriously, have you seen blind art? It's great. Like, I've never SEEN blind art, but my second emergency placement took me to a hands on museum where they were displaying John Bramblitt’s art. Seriously. Bad. Ass. He became a painter after becoming blind and it's just cool okay. (Authors note: seriously John Bramblitt is badass ok amazing 100/10) 

Anyway; so here I am, poorly navigating my way down the stairs with a sketchbook in hand. I always remember to put a sticky note on the next clean page because let's be honest this would be a book with one page completely covered in scribbles. 

I somehow completely make it down the stairs without a) falling and b) waking Gil up from his nap. 

(Another authors note: all I know about blind people is from Daredevil on Netflix) 

So now I'm just making my way through the house, trying to avoid bumping anything, I can see the outlines of tables but I also don't trust myself enough to know if that's actually a table, or the rest of my vision just fucking with me. 

So only 5 hip busters, and ten minutes later. I'm finally out back. 

So this is where explaining how I draw gets tricky. 

I first, need to find something. Straight out the back door of the house there's a tree, and it's branches are like?? Loose and wobbly, but soft and move in the wind at any slight breeze. It's like-- what's the name… fuck? Oh! Do you remember the movie Pocahontas? Yeah that's the tree. Grandmother Willow! 

God shut up John. 

Anyway: so I have found my subject, I feel EVERYTHING. The bark, it's kinda smooth, but there's a bunch of different textures at the same time. So now to actually try and draw this shit. 

\-------------------------------------

Okay. I think I'm done? I close my book and shrug as I hear the back door slide open. 

“John? Son, how did you get out here?” I hear George's voice come closer, and hear the branches of the willow tree rustle. 

“You know George, I may be blind but am not completely helpless. It's a pretty clear shot from the bottom of the stairs to the back door” I shrug again, trying to play off the biting tone. 

George just chuckles, ignoring my tone, or not even realizing it “okay… well what were you doing out here? What book is that? Martha said she found some Braille books for you” 

I'm getting nervous now. I've never shown anyone my drawings? Like? Why would I? Let them think I'm the dumb blind kid, lay low, Yenno? 

“I.. uh-- no. It-it’s a sketchbook…?” I shrug again, starting to wring my hands. Fuck why do I do this? No one cares John no one fucking cares about you or your scribbles. Just shut the fuck up god damn it 

“You sketch? Can I see?” I hear George plop down next to me, groaning slightly as he mumbles about ‘not being as young as he once was’ I just sigh, then take a deep breath. 

“Listen they're not that good I mean obviously they're not good I can't see anything like, uh-- duh what the fuck John you can't see and yeah I can feel things and sometimes I draw what I think I see when I hear music like at my old school there was this boy who played guitar in jazz band. I love jazz band. I love jazz. Well, not all jazz but definitely jazz band jazz--” 

I'm rambling again. I literally just cannot shut up ever apparently, thanks brain, love you lol. 

“John, John! Okay-- are you going to show me or not?” George says between hearty laughs, and I just smile, all nervous and shaky like I always fucking am. 

“Yeah-- yeah okay..” I just hand him the whole book and lean against the tree waiting for critiques, or to hear that they're awful because they probably are. 

After about 6 minutes and 12 seconds of silence, George pipes up again.

“John… these are--” 

“Awful, no I get it I do, you know the whole-- blind thing really doesn't do the doodles justice--” 

“--no John, these are… unbelievable. You-- wow. Just-- that's all I can say. You have so much detail and it's like-- you can just imagine what things look like… I'm amazed.” 

Okay so now I break into this stupid fucking grin like-- man i don't know I just never considered myself good at art because-- yeah. And like? George likes my sketches idk. Wow. 

“Okay kiddo, let's head in, i’ve got your phone set up, and Gil can help you download some apps and whatever else you kids do now-a-days.” I hear George stand, then I stick out my hands and he pulls me up along side him. 

 

\------------------------------

 

It's Friday now, I haven't been back to school. 

George ordered a new cane but it'll take until Monday to get here. So I'm stuck. 

But I have a phone. MY phone. 

George had a friend download screen readers and advanced Siri tools so it basically will read everything to me. I've been texting Eliza non-stop, she's become a great friend and said she'd visit me today, so I'm excited. Gil had to go to school today, then works until about 9, but Hercules and Alex are coming and I can't wait… 

I haven't stopped thinking about Alex since he helped me. 

Like? It's fucking stupid. I don't even know him and like-- god who would want to be with the fucking blind kid? Shut up john Shut up shut up shut up. 

Suddenly there's a knock at the door-- I get up off the couch and pull my sunglasses on. I bump around until I reach the front door and open it 

\-----Alexs POV-----

I nervously pulled on the cuff of my hoodie as I rocked back and forth on my heels. This was a bad idea, let's be honest. So you can't stop thinking about Laf’s brother and would honestly follow him to the ends of the earth. Anyway--   
John pulls the door open as he's pulling his ringlets of hair into a tight bun, which makes me smile like an idiot. 

 

“Listen I'm blind, we own a vacuum, I don't want any cookies and we're an agnostic family so--” 

“N-no! It's me, Alex. I'm early I know but.. i don't know Laf said you'd be home alone so… yeah… I mean if that's okay! I didn't want you to be home alone so we could like-- watch a movie or something...well I could watch a movie and you know, you can listen? I brought Moana and it has English descriptors on it so-- ” Is this weird? I think it's weird but I'll keep rolling with it. 

“Oh-- hey! Yeah no.. laf isn't home yet but, yeah come on in.. where did you find a DVD with descriptors?” He says laughing and smiling brightly, which makes me smile because damn it have you ever seen John’s smile? It's like a field of sunflowers or just pure happiness. I love it. 

I just shrug and smile as John pulls the door open, inviting me in. 

“Uh… will you help me up the stairs? I mean-- I can totally make it but uh… I fell up the stairs before and now I'm-- uh… kinda nervous…” he laughs anxiously pulling some loose curls behind his ear and pushes his glasses up. 

“Yeah.. no of course I'll help, here grab my arm” I pull John’s hands around my arm, his hands are cold, I literally can feel the chill through the sleeve of my hoodie dude, warm up. Or let me warm you ;) 

Wow that was fucked up alex. 

When we make it to his room, it's actually really nice. There's 3D art pieces printed out, like Starry Night but random edges and pieces are raised so John can feel the picture. It's really cool, actually. 

“Uh-- do you mind if I take my glasses off?” John asks from the bed.

I just smile and sit next to him and take them off quietly placing them on his nightstand. 

Instantly I'm awestruck. John's eyes are beautiful. I've never seen anything like his eyes, they're grey and mixes of blue; almost no pigmentation in his eyes and his pupils are clouded over, but fuck he is beautiful, how could he ever think that he needed to wear sunglasses all the time

“You should keep your glasses off more often--”

 

About 40 minutes later we're sitting on John’s bed. We started him at the foot of the bed and I sat at the head of the bed. Then about an hour into the movie I was sitting Indian style and John's head was resting on my knee as he listened to the description of the movie, laughing occasionally. 

All I want to do is run my fingers through his hair, or kiss him, or both. 

Sometime after the movie ended both of us fell asleep, John's head resting on my stomach as we shifted in sleep. It was the best I've slept in the longest time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> seriously check out the artist, John Bramblitt is amazing check him out ok 
> 
> i probably won't be around for about a week? family stuff. sorry xx
> 
> as always leave some nice comments for me <3 xx


	5. “I have lost my mind in the process”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just a lot of angst and fluff, what is a plot?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, beta'd by the best: Ilan!
> 
> and here is her AO3!

John’s POV

 

I woke up from my nap to the feeling of someone wrapped around me. I instantly knew it was Alex from the warmth radiating off his body and I feel this uncontrollable smile creep across my face.

This stupid fucking boy actually stuck around. Fuck, dude.

How did I get so lucky? God, this sounds like some cheesy rom com where the two main characters instantly fall in love. I wouldn’t say this is love just yet, but it’s been a long time since I even let someone in to even… see this mess that I am, I push that down so I don’t have to look at that, and no one gets to look at it, see me, the real mess I am.

Focus, John.

I feel Alex start to move and pull away; I decide to pretend to still be asleep.

After a few minutes Alex shakes my arm softly.

“Hey J, wake up. Laf should’ve been home an hour ago, and Herc should be here too… come on,” Alex whispers softly into my ear, his soft voice made my heart flutter like an idiot. I just stretch and pretend to yawn, nodding my head.

“yeah—no okay yeah. I’m up, they should be in the basement.”

As we head downstairs I feel Alex slip his arm around my bicep, and yeah maybe he’s just trying to guide me until my cane comes sometime tomorrow, but maybe it’s because he likes me and I like him and his touch quite literally makes my skin crawl in a good way.

So here’s the thing—as we get closer to the basement door all I hear is groaning, and really? Weird? Noises? I stop walking, and so does Alex, who’s slightly giggling but trying to keep quiet.

“What’s going on?” I ask.

“I think Laf and Herc are making out, like hardcore.” Alex finishes trying to suppress a laugh.

“Oh… maybe we should just head back up to my room then…?” I say, realizing I sound like an overly promiscuous teenager. But either Alex ignored it or accepted it as he just laughed and pulled me gently back up the stairs to my room.

—A few hours later—

we ended up watching Moana again, seeing as we both fell asleep in the middle of it before, and once that was done we talked. Talked about everything and anything; school, extracurricular activities, an internship Alex wants to apply for in the summer. It was all so warming and familiar; sitting so close to Alex, as close as possible. Both of us leaning on the headboard, leaning against one another.

I should’ve known it was too good to last….

“So… how did you become blind?”

 

—Alex POV—

I instantly feel John tense up next to me. Goddammit I shouldn’t have asked. What’s the old saying? Curiosity killed the cat. In this instant am I the cat? Or the person killing the cat?

I hope I’m not killing a cat. I like cats.

“Hey no I’m sorry, I shouldn’t’ve asked…” I quickly start backpedaling, trying to make this situation better. But before I can start babbling again, John places his hand on my knee softly and sighs.

“No no—I gotta open up, yenno? I need to talk about it….” he replies with a nervous, forced chuckle.

“So uh… I haven’t always been blind. I became blind at… nine? Yeah, nine. But anyway let me backtrack; my mom died when I was four, right after my little sister, Mary Eleanor. So here I am, a four year old, a newborn baby, a dead mom, and a rich father who was almost never around, who now always has to be around…”

I sigh and cover John’s hand with mine, rubbing small circles into his skin, I can still feel how stiff he is, his hand shaking softly in mine.

I want nothing but to be able to take all the pain out of him and for him to be safe.

“He hired a nanny, some sweet old Guatemalan grandmother who was here illegally, and what my dad paid her went back to her family in Guatemala. But you know, I was four and my mom just died and I only wanted to be with my dad.”

John slides down into a laying position on his bed, pulling his hand off my knee. I follow suit, laying on my side as John lays on his back. I pull a fuzz out of his curl, smiling softly, and he leans into the touch.

“You know you don’t have to finish if you don’t want to, J.”

“No—no. I have to tell someone…. I don’t know if George and Martha even know. I mean, obviously they probably know, I’d imagine it’s in my adoption paperwork… anyway, that’s when it started, the hitting.” John lets go of a shaky breath i didn’t realize he was holding, his fists clenching into themselves. 

“Just taps at first, but it escalated. It always escalates, ya know? And the nanny couldn’t do anything because he would deport her the minute she tried to protect me, or do anything to help me.

So fast forward; I’m nine years old. The worst day so far. It was actually Mary Eleanor’s 5th birthday, and people were starting to show up. It was only 11am but some of the neighbors came and Mary was outside playing with some friends from her Pre-K. My dad was nowhere to be found, so I head inside and he’s already making a drink….” 

John pauses again, tears forming in his eyes as his shoulders start to shake slightly.

“All I had to say was ‘Dad, please, not today, for Mary.’ And that was it….”

I reach over to grab a tissue off the nightstand and press it into his hand; he must not have noticed the tears finally beginning to spring from the corners of his eyes.

He took the tissue, wiped his eyes and continued on with his heart wrenching story.

“After a few solid hits, I stumbled backwards and smacked the back of my head against the counter, right at the base of my skull. Where like, it meets your neck. After that, I blacked out and woke up in what I can only guess was the hospital. I couldn’t see anymore. The last thing I got to see was my father beating the shit out of me, and our neighbor Mrs. Kinases trying to pull him off of me.

So there I was, laying in a bed, hearing cool shit like ‘brain bleeding, bruising’ and how my occipital lobe was permanently damaged when I met my social case worker, Kitty, who told me that me and my sister had to be separated.

She was adopted almost immediately, and no one really wants to adopt a blind nine year old, and I was so mean and so bitter towards the families that even fostered me, because fuck I was so mad. Mad at the world? Mad at my dad… mad at my mom for leaving me with him.” He just shrugs now, fidgeting with his fingers, trying to ignore the tears sliding quickly down his cheeks now

This is the moment, dudes. Is this too much contact? Should I just sit back silently and… process?

Nah, fuck that.

I throw my arm around John, pulling him close into the best hug I can muster up with one arm, squeezing him tightly.

“John, I am so sorry. I know you don’t want me to just pity you like that, but… fuck. You don’t deserve these shitty memories or any of the things life has handed you. But I swear to fuck as long as you’ll let me, I’ll make sure all of your memories are good from here on out….”

John just sobs into my shoulder, clutching to me tightly. This isn’t fair, he doesn’t deserve this.

After a few minutes he pulls away slightly and grasps around for my hand until i lace our fingers together tightly and wipe the last few tears off of his cheek. This makes him smile slightly and sniffle, finally finding his words. 

“So what about you? Any tragic backstories or good drama I can hold against you too?”

I pause for a second, thinking.

“Nah, I’m an open book. I was born in the Caribbean, some small no name island Angelina Jolie probably adopted a kid from. It was me, my parents, and my brother James. When I was 13 my dad ditched us, and it sucked but my mom got a job for some gardening magazine—don’t ask okay she has the most badass green thumb I’ve ever seen. She can grow anything. So we packed up and moved here. It’s just my mom, James and I but it works.”

This elicits a bright giggle from John and I can’t help but smile.

Later, we’re still talking. John tells me about his mom, Eleanor, more. How she was beautiful, and he hopes she’d be proud of him.

I glance towards the alarm clock on John’s nightstand to check the time; it’s 5:42am.

“So, why do you have an alarm clock if you can’t see it?” I ask

John just laughs and smiles, “Nah dude, it’s a clock made for blind people, check it—“ John turns towards the nightstand and clears his throat.

“Time?”

A robotic voice comes through the speakers on the alarm clock and replies, “5:42 AM.”

Before I can even reply about this talking alarm clock John speaks up again, “Fuck! Is it already almost 6 am?! Fuck….”

I yawn and stretch, my sleepiness finally sneaking up to me “Yeah, what’s wrong?”

“I forgot to take my Hetlioz pill… fuck. It’s too late to take it isn’t it?” John runs his hand through his mass of curls angrily.

“John! J, it’s okay. Just calm down. What’s the Hetlioz for?”

“It’s for non-24, because I’m blind my internal clock gets knocked off, so the Hetlioz keeps me on track for when to sleep and when to be awake.”

“Okay, so what can we do now? What if you take it now?”

“It’ll put me to sleep, but it’s 6am, so I’d sleep until like 2pm and then I’d be awake again in a shitty sleep cycle.”

He pauses and rubs his eyes. I can tell he’s frustrated, he always seems to do that when he’s upset.

“I’ll just have to wake up early and have a shitty Saturday then NOT forget my meds and sleep right Saturday night… fuck. Martha is gonna be pissed.”

I just smile and squeeze his hand “Okay… I’ll make sure you’re awake at nine.”

A deep blush rushes across John’s face causing him to giggle and cover his face with his hands (and inevitably my hand too) and I think maybe everything will be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmmmmm ok here we go kids-- 
> 
> non-24 is a rhythmic issue, where totally blind people's internal clock goes all wonky (basically, these aren't medical terms) and Hetlioz is the medication that blind people usually take to keep their internal clocks on point. 
> 
> obviously mostly totally blind people are affected by this, and I've said before John can still see shapes and outlines, but i felt like this was an important part of the blind community to include. (and you don't HAVE to be blind to have non-24, but it happens in mostly blind people.) 
> 
> i love you-- feel free to leave some sweet comments <3


	6. "Great things are done by a series of small things brought together."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is still so precious, alex is trying, Laf just wants to protect him, and i continue to find cool things on the internet to include for you all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always my dudes, beta'd by the best: Ilan!

Monday

John’s POV

Sunday night my new cane finally made it to the house, (and let me just say thank God, or whatever idealistic deity there is to believe in), and it’s collapsible.

Because let me tell you kids, it was like the blind leading the literal blind here. Gilbert tried, but kept getting distracted while helping me to the kitchen or outside.

Martha works, and George walks too fast for me to follow.

But whatever—anyway, it’s Monday now. I’ve successfully made it through 3 periods of class and am now sitting in English with Tom and James.

The teacher is out, so once we were done with sub work, James and I decided to catch up; missing three days of high school is a lot.

Now he’s telling me about this party he’s throwing this weekend.

“You should really swing by—it’ll be a good way for you to meet some other students. Tom is getting alcohol from his older brother, I don’t really drink but if that’s your thing” James just shrugs and wipes his nose on his tissue again.

“Nah dude… I don’t know. I’ll think it over, but usually being blind and in a room filled to the brim with people isn’t fun.” I say as I pull a loose thread from my shirt. I feel James elbow me playfully.

“You’ll have a good time! You can come early and tap around to get a feel for the place, and I’ll get Laf and the Revolutionaries on board too, so you’ll know at least a few people.”

“Is that really what they call themselves?”

“Yeah—it’s pretty cheesy.”

“if Alex goes I’ll go.”

I can feel James’ gaze burning into the side of my head. “Seriously? You’re into the Caribbean bean?” James chuckles at the nickname he’s given Alex, that I know Alex would hate if James ever said it to his face.

“No! not like, INTO into, but he’s cool and he helped me the other day and yenno, he’s nice and warm and probably pretty cute. That obviously doesn’t matter to me? Like how would I even know I just—“ I’m babbling. I’m actually trying to dig myself out of the hole I put myself in but NOPE I’m just getting deeper in this babble fest about Alex and how I’m not attracted to him but

I totally am

His personality and energy is just so warm and inviting and like? I feel like this could become something. He doesn’t let my disability get in the way and doesn’t even acknowledge me being blind he treats me like—

Like a person.

“Earth to John? Hello! John are you with me?” I snap out of my trance to focus on James’ voice.

“Oh shit—sorry.”

“Oh no it’s okay. I imagine I’d daydream about my dreamboat of a boyfriend too if I had one.” James adds with a laugh as he punches my arm playfully.

“What do you mean dreamboat?” I ask. I can feel my cheeks getting tingly from a blush starting to rise in my face. Does everyone think Alex is a ‘dreamboat’? does that dampen my chances?

“Well, like? Don’t tell Tom, he hates Alex, but Alex is by any standard, cute as fuck. By my standard, he’s handsome.” James coughs, but it’s muffled. Hopefully he coughed into a napkin or his elbow.

“L-like… will you describe him? I don’t know. Ignore me that was stupid to ask.”

“No! Okay, he has longish hair? Pitch black and shoulder length. But usually he has it up in a bun, but whatever moving on. He has big brown eyes, but not just like _brown,_ they’re deep, like the man has a story to tell and by damn he’s gonna tell you this story. He has like a peach fuzz goatee but it never seems to grow? I don’t know if he manages it, or he just can’t even grow it. He has this wide toothy grin that can light up the fucking room, but he doesn’t smile a lot anymore since Tom told him his teeth were ugly in 7th grade. They’re a little crooked but it’s cute.

Let’s see… am I missing anything? He’s shorter than you, if that counts for anything. He’s more olive toned—darker than you. ”

After that I stopped listening, I’ve got a rough idea of what he looks like and I’m rolling with it. he sounds beautiful and now I’m day dreaming—the whole nine yards, holding hands, picnics cuddling watching movies in my room, maybe even meeting his mom—

Wait John, what the fuck. Whatever. Shut up.

The bell finally rings and we’re out. I’m tapping the floor to my locker, still thinking about what Alex could possibly look like.

Is he actually a ‘dream boat’?

Is this 2006?

Who calls people dream boats anymore? Do a lot of people find Alex attractive? Because like? I’m not eligible to compete for an attractive person.

It’s like? He’s the super bowl and I’m leading the torch for the special Olympics.

Whatever—focus on finding your textbook, stupid.

I’m feeling through the braille titles on my books in my locker when I hear Alex calling me from down the hallway.

“John! John! Hey—“ Alex is out of breath from running down the hallway.

“Sup Alex?” Play it cool John, keep cool. Smooth.

“Hey uh… so this is so random—god I hate doing this type of stuff. Anyway. Jesus—okay so do you want to go out on like Wednesday? We have early release so… and I found this restaurant I think you’ll really really like….”

I can hear him nervously fidgeting with the lock on the locker next to mine, just endlessly turning the knob of it.

“Uh I’ll have to ask George and Martha first, but I don’t think they’d have a problem with it…”

Alex chuckles nervously and finally stops obsessively turning the knob of the locker, thank fuck.

“Really? I-I mean yeah.. let me know—text me….”

Then the lunch bell rings, and Alex groans, “I have to go finish up working with Knox, but I’ll talk to you later?”

“Yeah, definitely.”

I hear Alex walk away, his sneakers squeaking in the distance and I head in the direction of the Cafeteria.

I only make it about 4 steps before someone pulls me back by my arm.

Laf’s POV

“Little John, Mon Frere… please tell me what I am hearing, you are not considering?” I say quickly, trying to actually figure out what I am trying to say.

“Gil, what do you mean?” John replies, scrunching his face up in confusion.

“Écoute moi. I heard Alex ask you out, and I just—“ I sigh and finally let go of his arm. How do I get my point across without actually hurting John? “I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”

John sighs and folds up his cane, then crosses his arms across his chest. I can tell he’s angry, small flashes of anger cross his face between frowns and sighs.

Maybe I should have not said anything?

“I don’t think it’s really your place to tell me if it’s a good idea or not, Gil.” He replies with a certain gruff in his voice, I start to feel bad, but I have to protect John.

“John please you must understand me. Alexandre is—“ I groan and rub my face angrily—why is this so hard?! Because I know John won’t listen to me, but he must! I must at least tell him. “He will do what it takes to survive—“

Before I can finish John raises his hand, effectively cutting me off.

“Gil come on this is a stupid conversation. Nothing serious is happening between us, it’s just dinner!”

He starts to unfold his cane but I grab his wrist and stop him.

“Jonathan, listen to me. Alexandre will say what he needs to say, and he plays who he needs to play and if somebody's in his way he will not hesitate to crush them and leave them behind. I cannot stand that happening to you, mon frère.”

John just scoffs and pulls his wrist back from my grasp. His face is so twisted, and hurt—like I’ve done something wrong but I know this is right. I must get my point across.

“That’s _MY_ choice to make Gil, not yours. Butt out of my life.”

 

—at lunch—

Good Ole Peg Leg’s POV

John texted me and told me to meet him outside the cafeteria, at one of the courtyard tables instead of inside with all of our friends….

I’m gonna have to ask John how he texts. I never really thought about it but he absolutely texts at the speed of light?

Anyway—I spot John sitting under a tree at a picnic table in the courtyard, flipping through a book.

“Heyo Johnno, It’s Peggy.” I say sliding into the seat next to him, looking over his shoulder to see the book, but being disappointed that it’s just braille pages. Usually John at least has a book I can read along with because the braille is punched on top of the printed words, but not today.

He closes the book. (oh, it was The Great Gatsby, by the way. Cool. Good choice John.)

“Hey Margarita. “John says with a snicker, his smile isn’t as bright and bold as usual, his movements a little sluggish.

“Aw Johnny boy, what’s wrong? Who pissed in your cornflakes?” I say rubbing his arm comfortingly.

Instantly John is rambling off about Laf telling him not to see Alex and how Alex is very terribly defensive, which is true. But Alex is a good defensive, like a dog guarding things he cares about. This makes no sense? Why would Laf say all of this to John?

Oh.

“John—listen. You remember how Laf told you none of us really like Tom? Well, Laf is actually really good friends with Tom, and he and Alex used to date. It didn’t work out.” I sigh and start picking the paint off of the picnic table anxiously.

“Alex said and did some things he didn’t mean, and it really hurt Tom. Laf just can’t get over it. Tom was his first friend in America.” John tenses at this. I’d imagine he doesn’t want to get on his own brother’s bad side. I start pulling apart one of my curls and speak up again.

“But you have to understand, Alex is different now. He was getting over his dad leaving his mom, his brother, and him, and he was hurt. But literally in the last two weeks the way Alex talks about you, it’s different. Don’t put all your eggs in Laf’s basket and have a little faith in Alex. And go on that date, dammit.”

John just nods and leans his head on my shoulder, making me smile brightly. “Thanks PegLeg.” he adds, laughing softly.

“Anyway—new subject. How do you text so fast?”

John sits up and smiles, pulling his phone out, “Okay check it—“ He unlocks the phone with his thumb print and the screen is very basic. Even though it’s an iPhone there’s only four icons: a phone, the message bubble, facebook, and then just a random icon with an eye. Weird.

“So I have the screen memorized: it’s Phone, Messages, Facebook, then BrailleTouch okay? It’s all voice reactive too so… ‘Text Peggy.’”

The screen lights up, and our messages open, but when the keyboard pops up, it’s only 6 circles and takes up the whole screen.

“So instead of memorizing a keyboard and hoping I’m actually hitting the right keys I use BrailleTouch okay? Like, just watch.”

John wraps his fingers around his phone so three are at the top of the screen, and three at the bottom, coordinating with where the circles are.

“Give me something to type,” John says excitedly.

“Okay let’s start simple. ‘Peggy is the best Schuyler sister.’” I reply, and instantly he’s tapping away, and literally almost instantly he sends the message to me.

“John this is so fucking cool what is this?!” I grab his phone softly, tapping the circles and random letters pop up.

“It’s braille. You can type braille and then as I’m hitting the circles it gives different haptic feedback. Being blind has it’s perks.” Instantly we’re both cracking up. John is a mess, and I love my best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> seriously, braille touch is amazing to me, google it dudes. its pretty cool to think about, kudos much appreciated, comments appreciated even more dudes! leave me something nice--


	7. "And now I'll do what's best for me."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cute date stuff, doublecrossed

Tuesday Night 

John’s POV

I still can’t believe Alex asked me out? And I still don’t know if it’s like a _date_ date or just… two bros hanging out?

I like to think it’s a date. I mean, it’s obviously a date right? Like, he wouldn’t’ve called it a date if it wasn’t.

I’m brought back to reality by Martha trying to get my attention. “Mijo—hello? Earth to Johnny?” She taps my hand, giggling softly. We’re in the kitchen together; I’m sitting at the breakfast bar and Marth is in front of me chopping some type of vegetable for dinner tonight. I think it’s onions. Gross. 

“Sorry. I was just thinking about something.” I mumble, as I fidget with my shirt sleeve.

“And what was that?” I can hear the smirk playing its way through her words.

I just shrug and pick at the grout of the tiled counter. “Uh I know it’s a school night, but because it’s early release I was wondering if I could go out with a friend?” I stutter out awkwardly.

I hear Martha stop chopping her onion for a minute. “Well… what _kind_ of friend?”

I can feel my face start to heat up. “Uh...” I shrug again. “I dunno. Just… a friend kind of dateishkinda thing-ish. I don’t know.”

Martha chuckles and puts her hand on mine, probably to stop me from pulling at the grout anymore. “So my baby has a date. With whom? Do I know them? I used to shadow as a nurse for the high-school maybe I know them.”

I just let out a shaky laugh and pulled my hand through my knotted curls. “Uh yeah... yeah you know them. It’s Alex, Laf’s friend? He asked me out. Casual, yenno, two dudes hanging out.”

Martha laughs and starts chopping again. “Oh my god I can’t wait to tell your father. He said Alex didn’t have it in him to ask you out.”

My face contorts in confusion. “what do you mean?”

“When he was here for Laf’s sleepover, anytime you two were around, he followed you  
like a lost puppy, or if you talked he just had this lovesick look on his face. Your father said he wouldn’t say anything to you because he’s a very anxious person. He isn’t good with communicating feelings so he just stares and stays in the lovesick puppy stage. He’s been like that since they were 13.”

“So... can I go?” I ask picking at the hole in the knee of my jeans nervously.

“Sure baby. I’ll have George put some cash in your backpack, okay?”

“Thanks ma. Also can you uh... not tell Gil? He really doesn’t want me to see Alex like that, yenno?” I get up, popping out my cane to head upstairs.

“Sure Mijo.”

 

-Wednesday, end of last period-

I told Alex I’d meet him by Peggy and Eliza’s car, because Eliza is in my last class and I don’t have to worry about Gil being suspicious. As the bell rings I feel Eliza tap my shoulder. I stand up and she wraps her arm around my bicep as we walk out.

“Let’s get this sneaky-ness over with. I wish you’d just tell Laf you were going out, I feel bad lying.”

“Liza, it’s not lying per se, more like bending the truth. I _am_ spending time with you! And then once Laf pulls out of the parking lot, time with Alex.”

As we stepped out of the building I could feel the sun warming my face This makes me smile like an idiot because nothing can be ruined when there’s a day as nice as today.

“Here comes Laf, act cool.” Eliza whispers as I hear Gil approaching.

“Wo what are you crazy ones going to do on this nice day?” Gil asks cheerfully, and I instantly kinda feel bad for lying—

But before I can even fess up Eliza is rolling with it.

“Oh nothing—maybe go to Hyde park and let John doodle out some flowers for us, then I have a few audio description movies that we could watch, right John?” I feel her grip tighten around my bicep; lying makes Eliza nervous.

“Yeah! Yeah. Movies. Peggy said she picked up ice-cream too, so don’t wait up.” I add in quickly. I guess Gil approves because he then hugs me tightly.

“Okay. Let me know if you need anything, mon frere. I am off of work at 9 tonight. Do you need a ride home?”

“Nah, he’ll be fine. Hitch-hiking the 5 miles from our house to yours is a small feat for such a handsome dude.” Peggy says as she wraps an arm around my neck laughing.

“Mon dieu I have to go, I cannot be late again. I will be seeing you all later!” Gil shouts as he runs towards his car. Eliza finally lets go of the breath she’d been holding for the entire exchange.

“Betsy you have to start lying more; you’re not good at it and if Laf was here any longer you would’ve passed out from holding your breath so long.” Peggy comments as we begin walking to Eliza’s car.

“First, don’t call me Betsey. Second, I’m sorry I prefer the moral high ground unlike you two savages.” she adds with a laugh.

I hear nervous tapping against the metal hood of a car as we get closer to where Eliza’s parked. I instantly know it’s Alex and break into a stupid grin.

“Hey Alex, you ready?” I say smiling softly as Peggy and Eliza unwrap their arms from mine. I hear the passenger door pop open.

“Ye—“ but before Alex can finish, Eliza and Peggy both start butting in.

“Damn it Alexander, have him home by 10.”  
“No funny business!”  
“Don’t get caught!”

I can’t help but laugh and grab the edge of the door, stepping away from the sisters, and closer to Alex. “Alright, ladies, heel. No reason to attack Alex, it’s just dinner and a hangout.”

We all say our goodbyes and I climb into Alex’s car, which I actually think is a truck? It’s a little higher than a car, and rougher when we start driving. Before I can fall deeper into the pit of my own thoughts I decide to speak up.

“So… where are we going?”

“Have you ever been to the Moonlight diner? On 9th Ave and Beach?” I can hear the smile in his voice, which just makes me smile back.

“Uh no. I kinda, yenno, just moved here and Martha doesn’t like to eat out a lot.”

“I always forget you haven’t lived here forever. I don’t know, I guess I’m just used to you being here…” he adds with a laugh. “Whatever. Anyway, this is gonna be great. You’ll like it.”

—In the restaurant—

Okay, we’re sitting in a sticky booth of this diner, and soft golden oldies music is pumping through the entire restaurant. Instead of sitting across from Alex like every other normal god damned person, I decided to sit next to him, but it works because he’s small and left handed so he can sit on the inside, and I’m right handed so I can sit on the outside.

“So… what’s so amazing about this diner? Why did we have to come here?” I say smiling.

—Alex’s POV—

John smiling and John laughing makes my stomach flip and just him sitting next to me makes me feel so… happy? Warm? God I don’t know. Who gave one person the right to make me feel this way…?

He has such an old soul, so comforting without even knowing it. He turns down all the screaming and yelling in my head, breaks through the darkness with his fucking cheery disposition on life, even though he’s been given the shittiest deck of cards out of all of us.

“So… what’s so amazing about this diner? Why did we have to come here?” he asks. A grin breaks across his face, and I can see his eyes crinkling from under his glasses. My heart beats a little faster knowing that I caused his smile like this.

“Well, why don’t you figure it out.” I practically whisper, handing him a menu from the caddy at the end of the table.

“No fucking way…” he whispers as he whips the menu open, instantly running his hands across the braille sheets of the menu.

“This fucking restaurant has braille fucking menus oh my fucking god I can’t believe this.” John keeps rambling on running his hands across the menu smiling and giggling like a kid on Christmas, fuck. This kid, look at him. I caused the crazy fucking happiness he has. I can’t help but follow along with his infectious laughter.

Then John is hugging me. At first it takes me by surprise but I just lean into his hug, and squeeze him tightly.

 

About an hour later dinner is over, a milkshake was shared, we are nerds. John tried to fight me about paying.

“Alex don’t be an asshole let me pay!”

“Shut the fuck up John don’t steal my thunder. I asked you out on this date, I gotta pay.”

He grins again at the word date.

Step one: woo him—complete.

“So… do you want to go home? Or like… we could go to this other kinda cheesy thing I had planned. It’s up to you?” I ask as I try to stop my knee from jerking back and forth. Why am I still so nervous what the fuck.

You don’t have to be nervous anymore. He already agreed to come on this stupid date, and you know he already had a good time. Relax.

“Yeah, whatever you have planned is good with me.” John says smiling again as he stands up and extends his cane, then reaches his hand out for mine. “Come on then, we’re losing precious daylight.”

I just laugh and grab his hand, my own feeling electrified. I love this feeling. I never want to lose this feeling.

He pulls me up from the booth and I lead him back to my car laughing at some joke John made about “seeing” the hostess of the restaurant later, and I want every day to be like today.

—

After a few minutes of driving, I throw the car in park, turn to John, and slide my hand into his again.

“Okay this is gonna be weird but bear with me, it’s one of my favorite things to do. Wait here, okay?”

I see something flash across John’s face. Worry? Maybe. I don’t know. “It’ll be fine, 5 minutes tops. I won’t just abandon you in my car.” I add with a laugh, and this makes a smile creep across John’s face. He just nods his head and I get out.

Roll with me kids, it doesn’t make a lot of sense, but this is a cute idea. There’s this little lookout on the side of the highway where you can see all the lights of the city, but none of the crazy sounds; just slight hums of cars and music and then you can hear birds chirping, and whatever. Shut up, I am romantic.

I pull out a blanket from my trunk and spread it on the ground then go over and knock on the passenger window where John sits, and open the door. I pull him over to the blanket and we sit down.

“Wow… a romantic evening watching the sunset. Thaaaanks.” John says sarcastically, laughing brightly as he leans on my shoulder.

“Shut up asshole. It’s nice, just listen…”

He rests his head against my shoulder, silently listening. If I focus I can hear his heart beating softly, steady.

—John’s POV—

I can hear the quiet hum of cars, the occasional beep of one of them, but I can also hear the wind blowing, causing trees to rustle quietly against the wind. It’s actually so beautiful. It kinda reminds me of the countryside in South Carolina, just a few cars and a lot of nature.

I love it.

And I can hear Alex breathing softly. I can’t believe he thought of this? The wind is kinda heavy, sending a chill down my spine, so I scoot closer to Alex, burrowing closer to his endless fucking body heat. He must’ve noticed because he throws his arm over my shoulders, and damn if we aren’t the cutest fucks right now. I wish I could take a picture. Well that doesn’t matter. I don’t ever want to move from here.

—9 pm—

Laf’s POV

I get off work and decide to stop at the Schyuler’s to pick up little John.  
I know he doesn’t like to stay out too late and I pass it on the way home, so it works for me. I pull into their driveway and get out, the house is surprisingly quiet, Peggy and mon frère together is never a quiet time… odd.

I knock on the front door and Maria answers; I can tell she is initially surprised to see me. “Oh! Laf. What are you doing here?”

“I am here to pick up John; he is here for movies and the ice cream Peggy brought.” I say slowly, starting to become suspicious of these activities. Instantly Peggy runs to the door, hip bumping Maria out of the way.

“OH! HEEEY LAF, NAH YEAH. JOHN WAS HERE BUT UH, YEAH. GEORGE CAME TO PICK HIM UP. YEAH.”

I narrow my eyes at Peggy and throw my hands on my hips, they’re definitely hiding something. “George had a late night at the Museum tonight. They’re opening a new exhibit tomorrow morning and he had to make sure everything was ready….” (Wait did I already say George’s job? If not: museum curator.)

From the living room I hear Angelica yell back, “Peggy you’re an idiot!”

Eliza appears in the door frame now; she looks shameful, like a child who was caught in a lie and had to face the music.

“Okay fine. No more lying—”

“Betsey no!” Peggy says, aggravated at not only herself but probably Eliza too.

“He went on a date with Alex!”

“Eliza!!” Angelica, Maria, and Peggy say in unison.

I am aghast. For some reason this is not what I expected John to be doing. I told him to stay away from Alex like this! I will not see my brother hurt the way Tom was hurt. It took Tom months to be over Alexander, and even longer for him to trust someone in a relationship again. Alex is very self-centered and will sleep with anyone who is open to it!

“I will not stand for this! I cannot believe you helped him _LIE_ to me like this! I thought we were all friends are we not?!” I yell, anger bubbling in the pit of my stomach. I hate this emotion, and I very rarely act on this, but how could they?!

“Laf, calm down, we are friends! But you can’t shelter John from everything in life!” Peggy yells back, that fiery attitude counteracting mine instantly.

“Alex is different, Laf, you have to understand that!” Eliza says, her eyes watering slightly, she never likes confrontation.

But as of right now, I do not care.

“I can’t believe you let him do this! What kind of friends are you?!” I yell again, but now Angelica steps forward, instantly shutting me up. Her face is harsh, and she easily gains control of any room she enters.

“You will not yell at my sisters on our property. Go home Laf, calm down, and talk to us tomorrow.” and she abruptly closes the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting into some thick plot stuff, as always, leave a nice comment <3 love you!


	8. "All that you are is all that i'll ever need."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short romance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a smol baby chapter that i wrote before i went to chicago with some cute stuff.

John’s POV 

We eventually left the lookout after about 3 hours; just sitting there talking, and listening to all of the things Alex knows, it made my heart swell. He's so passionate about everything he knows and cares about.

We ended up going back to his house, his mom and older brother were still working. I hear Alex unlock the front door and then clear his throat, “Okay, this is it. It's, uh, underwhelming compared to the Washington mansion, but feel free to tap around,” he says with a shaky laugh. I just smile and squeeze his hand, trying to calm him down.

“You don't have to impress me, trust me. Before the Washingtons I lived in a two bedroom apartment with 6 kids and two parents.”

I let go of his hand with one more squeeze then start tapping my way through the front hall. It's small, but that just makes it easier to memorize.

“Turn left here, that's my room,” Alex says from behind me.

I turn and start feeling around. It's small, the bed is close to the door, and there's a dresser on the left.

“Not too shabby, it's a pretty big room for a small apartment,” I say smiling as Alex grabs my hand and helps me sit on the bed.

I kick my shoes off and pull my knees up to my chest smiling as I feel Alex shift on the bed next to me, resting his head against my side. He's warm, a stark contrast to the rest of the house.

“It's the biggest room in the apartment. My mom says boys need privacy so me and James have the rooms and her bed is in the living room. It's not a good setup, but we get by,” he says shrugging against my side, but I hear a twinge in his voice, like a sadness. I just lay back against his headboard, Alex adjusting now so his head is leaning on my stomach.

I hesitate for a second then decide to run my hands through his hair. I instantly smile to myself; his hair is coarse and thick, but soft at the same time. There's waves throughout it but some knots too. I feel him instantly leaning into my touch and sigh softly.

Is it weird that this is the most intimate thing I've ever done?

This kid’s internal temperature must be like 99.6 degrees; he's literally always so warm. My hands were cold before this, but just touching him I'm so warm now….

Maybe it's not him? Maybe he just makes me feel warm inside.

As I'm staring off into space I hear Alex grunt and elbow my leg softly, “Don't stop, asshole, I was about to fall asleep.”

I feign shock and gasp, clutching my chest. “THE Alex Hamilton, about to fall asleep before 3 am?”

Alex laughs softly and turns over so he’s face up on my lap, my hand still in his hair.

Instantly I feel Alex’s hand tracing my cheek, his fingers dancing across my skin as I chuckle softly, “What are you doing?”

I can hear the smile coming though Alex's words, “Shhh, I'm tracing constellations from your cheeks.” He says softly, his tone quiet as he concentrates on my left cheek, drawing a pattern back and forth softly. I can imagine what he's outlining softly and it looks like a spoon? Did he find the big Dipper on my cheek?

“Not the Big Dipper. Ursa Minor. There isn't a third freckle to put in the handle to make it Ursa Major,” he says chuckling again.

I laugh too, pressing his hand against my face softly; they’re rough and calloused, but that doesn't matter. None of this really matters except I'm here, and he's here, and he actually wants me here, not like he pities me because I have no friends like Gil, but he actually truly wants me here.

“Hey… what are you thinking about?” Alex whispers.

I rub my thumb across the back of his hand that's still pressed to my cheek and sigh.

“I don't know…. Just-- how lucky I am to be alive right now? To actually be on your bed after an amazing date, and just-- being here with you. You made me the most happy I've been in a while, so thank you.” He laughs softly and rubs my cheek with his thumb.

“Thanks for coming out with me and letting me do cheesy cute date ideas. My mom actually suggested the moonlight diner, she’d seen the Braille menus a couple weeks back.”

Should I ask? That wouldn't be weird would it?

I let go of Alex’s hand softly and start running my fingers through his hair again, my mind drifting off.

“Hey hey-- stay with me J, what are you thinking?” Alex says, snapping me up again.

“O-oh uh… this so-- this is stupid and weird. Uh-- okay… Would you mind if I, and you can say no! But uh… can I feel your face? It just gives me a general idea of what you kinda like look like-- I mean it's whatever that was stupid nevermind I should get going yenno--? Don't want overstay my welcome” focus, stupid, god you're an idiot get the fuck out oh my god way to go, you were having a good time and you just had to make things weird,

You fucking idiot great GrEaT WAY TO GO--

“Yeah, sure.”

My thoughts instantly stop, the train of hurtful words screeching to a halt.

“Ye-yeah?” I stutter out, and I feel Alex nod.

“Sure, I have to warn you though- Peggy says she can slice deli meat on my cheekbones, be careful.” he says, chuckling softly.

My hands are shaking softly as I let go of his hair and start feeling along his face.

I start at the top of his face, kinda building a mental picture of what he looks like.

His eyebrows are thick.

“You should get your eyebrows done.”

“Shut up, John.”

I work my way down to his eyes, they're sunken in and I can literally feel the puffy bags from lack of sleep under his eyes, but they suit him somehow. He has long eyelashes, they're soft and long, like those fake ones girls wear.

“Ow, John that's my eye. You don't use yours but I need mine.”

“Are these your real eyelashes, Alex? They feel fake.”

“Yes John every morning I put on falsies to impress the ladies.”

Next, I run my finger down the bridge of his nose. It’s a little big, but actually fits Alex perfectly, like everything is exactly the way it should be. His cheekbones are high, making his face seem proud, strong. 

Finally I make it to his lips. I run my thumb along his bottom lip and smile. “Probably your best feature is your lips. They're so soft,” I say quietly.

He lets out a breathy chuckle, and I realise how close our faces are now.

“Thanks I literally apply chapstick every ten seconds.”

And before I even know what I'm doing, I close the gap between us and kiss him softly. His lips are really fucking soft.

He doesn't pull away or freak out like I'm some kind of monster.

He throws his arm around my neck, and pulls me closer, deepening the kiss. I feel literal electricity coursing through my veins, because here I am, lil ol’ unlovable me, being kissed on a boys bed, who isn't taking advantage of me, just letting me explore his face.

Next thing I know, we’re making out. Warm, deep kisses and tongue and clashing teeth and accidental head butting as we adjust to each other. Alex is basically on top of me, kissing down my jaw.

And I don't say no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LEAVE ME A COMMENT, CONCERN, CRITICISM THANKS I LOVE YOU


	9. "thats the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry i love you.

John’s POV

-Friday morning-

I got home late on thursday night; I think Gil was already asleep, but Martha was definitely up to make sure I wasn't a fucking mess and actually made it to bed, no questions asked. It's the next morning now and I'm still as giddy as I was last night.

Like? Fuck dude.

I'm still on cloud nine. I can't wait to see Alex at school.

I feel around my desk for some type of clothes that Gil laid out for me, he usually sets them on the left corner of my desk….

Maybe he was tired after work. I can do this. Okay….

These are jeans, okay I can do that. And this is-- a polo shirt. Nah. The weather is supposed to be rainy, so this pullover hoodie should be good.

I clink my way downstairs,trying to listen for Gil, but Instead I hear merengue music pumping out of a speaker from the kitchen. Who listens to bachata at 7 am?

I walk into the kitchen laughing, the song seems familiar to me, maybe something my mom used to play. My dad never played Spanish music but my mom loved to bake and dance at the same time. Suddenly the music cuts off and George speaks up.

“Hey! I didn't know you were still here, son. I thought you would've left with Gilly.”

My head snaps up, “What do you mean!? He's my ride!”

“He said he had to go to school early! I just assumed you went too! Don't worry about it I'll drive you-- let me go put pants on.”

“Oh my god you don't have pants on?”

“Hey it's my first morning home since the new exhibit opened that I've been aloud to sleep in past 5 am. No pants are the best pants.”

-15 minutes later at school-

Alex met me at the front office, and as we walked to class I told him about this morning.

“So Laf didn't even wait for you? Is that why you look homeless today?” Alex says with a soft laugh, sliding his hand into mine. I can't help but smile because even when he's an asshole I still like him. Maybe more.

“No, and now he won't answer my texts either. I don't know maybe he's just tired,” I shrug, defeated. Something is wrong, this is bad. But I push the thought down and focus on my hand in Alex’s and how perfectly it fits there. “Are we meeting up with the sisters?”

“Yeah they should be waiting by your homeroom, I think Herc, too. If he isn't there I'll talk to him.”

Lo and behold, I can hear Peggy and Eliza arguing as we approach my first period class, but as we get closer they quiet down.

“Hey love birds, how was the date?” Peggy asks excitedly grabbing my arm, “Tell me everything.”

-Alex pov-

Before anyone can even answer, Angelica’s head snaps up and locks eyes with me. A questioning look crosses her face, then she looks both John and me up and down. “Yeah... what _did_ you guys do yesterday?” she says slyly. I turn to John and see a soft blush creeping up his neck, making me chuckle and squeeze his hand softly.

“Nothing,” I reply shrugging as all three of the sisters stare on, incredulous looks on their faces, “just went to the moonlight diner and to the lookout.”

“And made out a little,” John whispered, covering his face with the hood of his hoodie.

“I KNEW IT!” Angelica screeched, high fiving Peggy.

“YA’LL DID THE DEED? THE DO OF THE DOS?” Herc practically screams, Angelica instantly covers his mouth with her hand laughing hysterically

“Oh my fucking god please stop we did not ‘do the do’ Hercules,” John muttered burying his face in his hands.

“Close enough….” Hercules mumbled through Angelica’s hand.

“Are we all still going to James’ party tonight? We could all ride together!” Peggy sputters out trying to change the subject, but I couldn’t focus on her right now. Eliza looked nervous, pulling on a thread of her sleeve, I knew something was up….

“Hey, Liz, what’s wrong? You’re being really quiet today…” I ask, causing Eliza to look up at me guiltily and the other two sisters to instantly button up.

“Why did everyone get so quiet? What did I miss?” John asks pulling on my hand softly. “Eliza? Don’t leave me in the dark guys….” at first he laughs at his joke, but when the group stays silent, he buttons up too.

“Lafcamebylastnighttopickupjohnandwhenjohnwasn’tthereiaccidentallyletitsliphewasneverthereandthenicouldn’tshutupandtoldhimyouguyswereonadateandthenhegotreallymadandwasfightingwithangelicaontheporchandsheslammedthedoorinhisfaceandyeah,” Eliza gushed, not taking a breath or pausing inbetween words, rambling on. I feel John’s hand starting to shake in mine, I look over to him and he’s biting his lip, visibly freaking the fuUuck out.

“Eliza, Eliza! Relax. Calm down, smaller sentences.” I say rubbing her shoulder softly. She takes a deep breath and explains everything again, slowly.

“John, I’m so sorry-- this is all my fault i know. I’m sorry.” she says gripping John’s hand tightly. I can tell he’s freaking, every inch of him is practically vibrating with nerves.

He just nods, “No, Liz it’s really okay. I’m fine.” to which Eliza just sighs, and the first bell rings.

-15 minutes later, still Alex’s POV-

I’m sitting in Mr. Knox’s class, waiting for Mr. Knox to actually get up and start teaching when I feel someone’s eyes literally burning a hole in the side of my head.

At first I try to ignore it, focusing on a doodle of a tree on the side of my notes, but after a few minutes I still feel it. When I look up i’m almost unsurprised to find Laf shooting me a death glare that could probably start a fucking fire if I was made of paper.

Not just normal paper though. 

Like even if I was cardstock, some thickass paper, he’d be absolutely lighting me on fire if he could.

Great.

-

All of first and second period was filled with glares and shit talking about me between Laf and Tom. thankfully I was alone in my third and fourth periods.

Finally, Lunch.

John got pulled out early for an eye doctor’s appointment, so it was just Herc, the sisters, and me at lunch.

“He’s been acting so weird today,” Herc spoke up as he struggled to open his chocolate milk from the lunch line, “When he picked me up today it was just him, and he’s said maybe six English words to me….”

Peggy nodded and peeled off the last of her orange’s skin before adding, “I think he and Thomas are in cahoots; they talked the entire time in art class, even after Mrs. Ross told them to focus on their projects.”

Before anyone else can comment, Laf slams his tray down on the table in front of me, causing me to snap my head up at him. Anger isn’t something that anyone is used to seeing from Laf...it doesn’t suit him well.

-Laf’s POV-

I don’t care what anyone has to say now. I will not stand for this. 

I feel Herc wrap his hand around my arm, but I snatch it back and slam my fist on the table “I will not allow this! Alexandre leave Mon Frere alone! Damn it- you will not hurt him as you have before! You’re not going to use him and then toss him aside!” I am yelling now, but it’s too late to stop myse-

“Too late for that….” Hercules mumbled.

Before I can even stop myself I am lunging across the table, screaming wildly, grabbing Alex by the neck of his hoodie.

“Stay away from him! YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A HORRENDOUS MONSTER OF A BOY WHO DOES NOTHING BUT HURT AND TAKE AND TAKE AND GIVE NOTHING IN RETURN! I know my brother like I know my own mind and you will drain him dry and he will give everything to you just to feel like someone cares BUT WE ALL KNOW YOU DO NOT CARE FOR HIM!”

Before I can finish my tyrannical rant, I feel large, strong arms wrapping around my waist pulling me back, forcing me to release Alexandre’s hoodie. As I am pulled to the office by the administration I continue to yell.

“STAY AWAY FROM HIM-- DO-NOT-CONTACT-HIM. I WILL END YOU.”

-John’s POV, after his eye doctor appointment-

Eye doctor’s done. I’m actually kinda ready for James’ party, I was nervous at first, but I’ll be with Alex, and my friends.

Martha took me to the doctor’s and is helping me inside the house as I hear another car crunching the gravel of our driveway. Before I can even ask, Martha sighs and squeezes my hand. “Well, looks like your brother had to be checked out today….”

George is the first to speak up, his voice coming closer to where Martha and I are standing.

“Martha, you better get your boy; he won’t tell anyone what happened. The office, me, no one.”

Gil grumbles, “Just do not feel good, Mere. I will be in my room.”

I feel Martha shrug, “he just doesn’t feel good George, give him space, quierdo.”

-upstairs, some time later-

After going over some prescription from my doctor with Martha, something about keeping an infection out of my eye, --whatever I don’t use them anyway-- I finally make it to my room. I’m tired, and I really want to nap before James comes to pick me up. As I open the door to my room instantly Gil is talking to me.

“Mon frere how could you do this to me? I do all of these things to help you! I introduce you to my friends, I help you every day! And you betray me like nothing! Is that what our relationship means? Nothing?!” he’s right on the verge of yelling, and I’m instantly shrinking back away from him.

“Gil this isn’t fair! I have my own life! And we had a good time together!”

“Oh I heard. A very good time no? I didn’t think you’d be one to do the sex on the first date, little John.” there’s a burning malice bite to his words, it causes a pang in my chest, fuck please don’t do this to me, please you’re all I have.

“G-Gil… we d-didn’t… do anything….” I feel my throat closing around my tongue, like I don’t know how to form words anymore.

“Well that is not what Alexandre is telling everyone. He is no good little John, please listen to me.”

“No. You're lying. He wouldn't do that to me-- it’s different! You don't know him anymore! Fuck Gil, Stop!”

“IT’S HIM OR ME JOHN. MAKE YOUR DECISION WISELY.”

I feel my door slam shut, and I realize I'm alone. Again.

-at the partaaaay-

The party started about an hour ago, I ended up riding with Angelica.

But that doesn't matter because Gil won’t talk to me.

We showed up to the party and Angelica left. I was shuffling through the house alone, bumping into strangers, and I can't find Alex. I can't find anyone I know. I'm so lost. I found a bathroom, I think. Yeah, that's a tub and a toilet okay yeah. I'm fine, totally. Yeah I don't have a phone and don't know where anyone is and I'm hanging in a bathroom at the biggest party of the fall and, let's be honest, I could stay right here or disappear and nobody would even notice at all….

Well now I'm just John in the bathroom…

In the bathroom at a party….

I forgot how long I’ve been in here.

It's like-- fuck.

I'm just John, who you don't know. Yes I'm new, yes I'm blind, and yes I'm alone.

Trying to fly solo.

It's not working, I can't breathe. He can't leave me alone I can't do this. The Washingtons won't want me anymore because of what I did to their son, I got him sent home early, I'm the reason he got in trouble IhurthimthisismyfaultIcan’tbreathe--

I feel the tears starting to pour, thank God I'm in the bathroom…

-Alex’s pov-

I haven't been able to find John all night. Angelica was supposed to text me when she got here but I found her about a half hour ago 8 Jello shots deep, and she has no idea where John went….

John hasn't been answering his phone either what the fuck. He can't be far, it's a small house.

I've been waiting to use this bathroom for like 15 minutes what the fuck? I bang on the door “Yo, get the fuck out of the bathroom, asshole!”

I'm just met with sniffles…. Is that?

John?

I try to jiggle the doorknob, but it's locked. Fuck.

“John, open the- open the door, please…. John! Open the door. John? Sure, you're scared I've been there…” I sigh and press my ear to the door trying to hear if he's talking or even acknowledging me. It's just a thick silence, with the occasional sniffles. “John, don't make me come in there, I'm gonna count to three; one, two, fuck it!” I brace myself and throw my arm against the door popping it open with ease.

And there he is, sitting on the toilet crying into his hands. He looks so broken. I kneel in front of him and pull his hands off his face softly. He left his sunglasses home tonight and even through tears he looks so beautiful. My own personal universe.

“Hey, come on bendito let's get out of here.” I say softly, pulling him up by his hands. He just nods and folds up cane, following as I pull him out and to my car.

“Can we go to the lookout?” He practically whispers as I open the door to the passenger seat for him.

“Sure, John. Whatever you need, starlight.”

He laughs at the pet name and pulls the door closed telling me to shut up along the way.

-

I'm stopped at a red light when John finally speaks up. “Are we doing something wrong? I don't understand why Gil is so mad.”

“He's worried for you, but, John, you have to know that I'm never gonna hurt you. I'll make a million mistakes, but none of them will hold malice.” The light turns green and I start to roll through the intersection, “John, I love you.”

John giggles brightly, “Alex, I think I love y-”

Before John could finish his sentence, he was cut off by a truck horn blaring and crushing metal and glass sounds, and blinding white hot pain engulfing the entirety of the car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did everyone try the chicken? I hear the chicken was lovely.


	10. "What if I feel this way for the rest of my life?..."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (: (: (: in my free time I like to hurt you.

-Third person POV-

Alex's car was hit by a pickup truck that blew through the red light, and they flipped twice, landing on the roof upside down.

Alex forces himself to pry his eyes open, soon realizing what happened, and that he was currently dangling from his seat, seatbelt holding him firmly in place.

Oh no...

John.

Alex snaps his head over to the passenger's seat, realizing they never buckled John’s seatbelt. John is lying against the roof of the Hyundai crumpled up, pinned between the doorframe and the dashboard.

"No... no god no…. John? John?!" Alex screams, unbuckling his belt and falling to the ground, pulling at pieces of mutilated metal and glass trying to get to John.

Alex is crying, tears gushing from his eyes, he can feel the blood start to run down his palms, but ignores it; he has to get to John. He kicks out part of the broken windshield and crawls out, other drivers parking and coming to help them, the man driving the truck and others are rushing to help Alex, but he just pushes through them, trying to get to the passenger side of his car.

"No please PLEASE! My boyf-friend! He's trapped and I need to hel-help him!" He screams as he throws himself on the ground, pulling the broken glass from the passenger window. His hands are starting to shake as he rips and chips away at the glass and his face is covered in blood from a gash across his forehead down into his eyebrow….

But he can see him. He sees John's face now. Instantly Alex is frozen, stricken with a stark shock to his whole body. John is lifeless. Blood trickling between his lips, the lips that carry everything Alex loves, the lips that Alex knows are always pink and plump and warm and made Alex feel like anything was possible.

 _Oh god no_ is all Alex's brain is screaming between his ears, then an almost louder scream comes through reminding Alex that he did this.

He killed his boyfriend.

Alex is vaguely aware that he's screaming at the top of his lungs now, as one of the other drivers is trying to pull him away again, he thrashes against them just watching the face that's almost unrecognizable as John, the face and the person he loved and wrote sonnets for, just hoping for any sign of life. A breath. A cough? Something. As flashing lights begin to flood the street, EMTs and fire rescue surround Alex's car instantly.

"Dear, listen to me!" An older woman standing in front of him says, grabbing his face and forcing him to look at her, flashing a light in his eyes.

"My name is Nala. What's your name? What happened?" She asks as her partner brings a first aid kit from their ambulance, sitting him on the hood of a random driver’s car who was giving a statement to the police on the scene.

"A-Alex. My name is Alex. I-I was taking my b-boyfriend t-to t-the lookout and someone ran the red light." He says looking down to his hands that are all cut and bloodied. Nala looks down also and gasps.

"Hernandez start on his hands while I stitch up this forehead wound…."

Alex looks up and sees the fire rescue trying to get John out of his car and instantly grabs Nalas hand trying to push her away from him.

"P-PLEASE JOHN NEEDS ME! H-He has anxiety and i-is blind and i-if he doesn't recognize any voices h-he'll have a panic attack I have to go!"

Nala instantly pulls him back to sit on the car.

"Alex listen to me. Your boyfriend is in a very bad situation and the fire rescue crew is going to help him. They know how to work with disabled people and will calm him down, now I need to finish closing your wound and my friend Hernandez here is gonna clean your hands, okay?"

Alex Just nods shakily, splaying his hands out for the older man to clean.

Alex is staring at nothing in particular, refusing to look up as he hears metal and glass breaking, people cutting his car into pieces trying to get John out.

Nala is whispering sweet things to try and calm Alex down as she cleans the gash on his head.

"So what is your boyfriend’s name?" Hernandez speaks up, pulling Alex's attention back to the present world.

"John Laurens. We go to King’s High School."

Hernandez nods, starting to stitch a deeper cut on Alex's arm.

"You seem to care about him a lot, yeah?"

Alex has tears brimming his eyes again already, taking in a deep breath. "Y-yeah…. John has been through a lot, and he got adopted to this really nice home and th-things have been going real well for him... b-but-" he reaches up with his bandaged hand and wipes his eyes with the neck of his tee-shirt, not caring that it’s covered in blood, sobbing softly into the stained cotton.

"Hey- hey! He'll be okay. Those guys are the best car accident crew in New York. We’re gonna take you to the hospital now, okay?"

Alex just nods as they help him into the ambulance, he happens to cast a glance to his left and catch John.

John looks so broken. So hurt.

He’s splayed across a stretcher, c-spine collar and neck board holding him rigid against the bed, oxygen mask wrapped around his face, his hand dangling lifelessly off the edge of the stretcher until one of the EMTs notice and folds it softly onto John's chest, and oh god what Alex wouldn’t give to be able to hold that hand one more time.

 

Instantly flood waters are rising in his throat, wrapping a hand around his neck and choking him, his stomach churning like the ocean. How could he have done this? This is his fault, if he never left the party they'd be dancing and laughing right now and how could he have done this?

 

-Lafayette but still 3rd person-

Laf had no plans of going to James and Thomas' party, but he had to find John and apologize. John was so defenseless and wants so much to please everyone and look at Laf, just exploding at him.

God he felt just like his birth father, screaming at someone over whom they loved. He hated his birth father, he really did. Beating laf from a young age for acting feminine, talking about boys as another boy should never do. before his grandmother took him from that, that _hell house_ he lived in, he wasted his childhood in that toxic home, wishing to never become him. Sometimes though, you can't control destiny, and his dear grandmother passed blissfully in her sleep and Laf, being a young 13, decided he couldn't go home again, not to the old life he had. So he ran. His grandmother had left him a small sum of money and he rolled with it. He found himself in New York, sleeping in subway cars for warmth and shelter.

 

That was until an older man got on the A train one late December night at the 81st street stop. He had seen the young boy sleeping on the practically abandoned car at 12 am frequently, but today for once, the boy was awake, raking his fingers through his thick mane of curls softly, trying to untangle some knots. George stepped deeper into the subway car and sat across from him, flipping through some files from the museum for a new exhibit opening in a few weeks. As he sat, the young boy eyed him suspiciously but continued to pull apart his tangled curls.

"Well it's nice to finally see you awake son." George said not looking up from his papers.

Lafs eyes snapped up to the older man, slightly shocked someone acknowledged him, usually everyone just left him alone as he rode the subway all day.

George closed his file and met Laf’s eyes, George’s eyes were warm and caring, a look Laf had never had from a male authority figure.

"I ride this subway just about every other night and you're never awake at the 81st street stop. So you live here then? On the subway?" George said, worry lacing through his voice.

Laf gave himself a second to translate everything; English was hard to learn by only eavesdropping in subway cars. Eventually he just nodded, no longer willing to make eye contact with the older man. He still had his dignity, damn it.

The PA on the car began dinging just then, announcing that the near empty car was approaching Spring Street, where George and Martha occupied a small SoHo one bedroom apartment, just big enough for the two of them.

But that didn't stop George.

"Listen. Me and my fiancee, we have an apartment on Grand and Diggs. Come get some warm food, a nice shower... and we have an air mattress."

And that was history. Laf had a home and later that year they moved to a bigger house outside the city and they were happy.

But Laf always caught himself acting like his father. 

A mean thought.  
His laugh.  
His humor.  
His looks.  
All reminders of everything Laf wishes he wasn't.

But he ignored it and pushed it aside and look where it got him, acting just like his father and screaming at John like that.

Oh god, Laf is going to beg for forgiveness. And he'll take John to the shore like he always talks about. He'll even let Alexander come, whatever makes John happy.

So here we are, Laf pushing through sweaty, pulsating bodies looking for any sign of John over the pounding music pouring out of all corners of the house. He sees Angelica first, pulling her aside and asking for John. She just replies with a shrug, pointing to the upstairs.

Laf sighs, wiggling his way to the stairs until someone pulls sharply on his arm.

Spinning around, laf is met with James, a scared look squishing his face as he tries to yell at Laf and pull him outside. Finally Laf gives in and follows James, who’s instantly running down the street once they're out of the house. Laf thinks about stopping and turning back, unsure exactly why he's following Jemmy all this way, but after two blocks he sees it.

Alex's car.

No no….

No god no.

Laf can feel it. He can feel the dread and pain in the pit of his stomach.

Where'sJohnWhere'sJohnWhere'sJohnWhere'sJohn?

Instantly his eyes are cresting with tears and burning, he's frantically searching, running up to the barricade that police had set up, holding people back.

He is hurriedly scrambling over the barricade, desperate to see John, find John, to know his brother is okay.

Before he can make it very far over the barricade a police officer is holding him back.

"SIR! Sir we need to keep this area clear, get back." the officer yells as he pushes Laf back softly.

In between sobs laf is screaming, his whole body shaking, betraying himself and wobbling with the sudden urge to collapse in this stranger’s arms..

"Please! PLEASE NO MY BROTHER THAT'S MY BROTHER, PLEASE HE’S ALL I HAVE." 

Then, finally, he sees him. No. _No._

He's being lifted onto the stretcher, his arms limp off the edge of the makeshift bed. He's grey, all color drained from him, except for the splatters of red blood coating his chest and face.

 

Instantly Laf allows himself to collapse into the cop’s arms, screaming. His body is wracked with sobs as he clutches the officer’s arms for leverage and slides to the ground, crumpling. His body is rigid as he presses his forehead to the warm asphalt letting the screams rip through his throat and body. John is dead.

 

John is dead.

 

Because everyone Laf cares for dies.

 

-George and Martha POV still 3rd person-

George and Martha decided since the kids were out, a movie night was in order. Of course Martha decided it was her night to pick, they're all her nights to pick apparently. George was sprawled out on their sectional couch, setting up the Blu-ray player silently, pulling Martha's constant choice, Les Miserables, off the shelf. Martha comes out of the kitchen with a big bowl of popcorn and two Kool Aid Jammers, smiling as she throws herself on the couch, snuggling up to her husband happily, excited for their first night alone in a while.

“Can you hear the people sing baby?” George asks as he hits play on the remote laughing at his own joke, snuggling up to her softly as he throws a blanket over the two of them.

An hour into the movie, Martha dictates her own intermission to go to the bathroom and afterwards is making a cup of hot tea for George as they chat in the kitchen. Suddenly her phone rings, playing her and George's wedding song softly.

George laughs as she pulls it out, pulling her close and humming the song as they sway in the kitchen, Martha laughing and shushing him as she answered the unsaved phone number.

“Hello this is Martha Washington, how may I help you?”

George couldn't hear the voice of the person buzzing through the receiver, but instantly focused as Martha went stock still in his arms, her eyes instantly glazing over, doing the thousand yard stare through his chest, her hands gripping into his forearms for leverage.

“Y-yes…. My husband and I are on o-our way….” And with that she literally lets the phone fall from between her shoulder and ear onto the floor, pulling away from George's grasp and grabbing her purse, as if she's on auto pilot.

“Martha, my love, what is it?” George mumbles as he grabs her arm softly, trying to stop her.

“John. John was in a car accident. T-they said h-he might not make it.”

With that, they rushed out of the house, both saying silent prayers to any deities that were listening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment ily (:


	11. “Where do we go from here?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello my starlights, it is me, back from college and putting out this update without letting my editor finish editing it (sorry Ilan) 
> 
> There’s only maybe 3 or 4 chapters left in this fic, but I still plan to continue “I Can Hear You” 
> 
> Also while I’m here, there’s been a lot of talk about this fandom dying, and I know my updates are SO slow but I’m not leaving, I’m right here (your mom isn’t going anywhere, your mom is staying right here-Rachel Bay Jones 2k16) so here we are, basically a filler chapter.

Alex is sitting silently in a bed in the ER bay bouncing his leg nervously trying to listen to the other beds surrounding his, each separated by curtains, listening for John calling him, or John saying anything or anything saying something about John but all he hears is the daily chatter of people who didn't just have their lives ripped apart and turned upside down.

A nurse came in soon after and began wrapping his head with gauze so it doesn't get infected. She told Alex they called his mom, but she's stuck at work-- of course, Alex thinks to himself-- so James is coming to pick him up. When the nurse leaves Alex is left again with his own intrusive thoughts, how this is all his fault and he killed John, he knows he did he knows because he doesn't hear John or anyone talking about him. They always keep the deaths quiet around hospitals. 

Alex can feel the tears slipping down his cheeks, fuck. He pulls his knees up to his chest dusting some dirt off the knees of his jeans before resting his head against them and wrapping his arms around his legs silently sobbing. How could he do this? John relied on him and he let him down. 

_God, it's me, Alex. I know we haven't been on talking terms much but please, let him live. Show me you care and take care of him. Please._

Alex snaps back to reality when he hears the curtain ruffle, looking up to see James waiting. James shares a lot of Alex's characteristics, who looks mostly like their mother, but James has the face of their father, strong and broad, ready to protect his family at the drop of a dime, it usually hurt Alex to really look at James due to the fact that Alex blames himself for his fathers departure. But not today, the calming presence reassured alex as James sat gingerly on the bed next to him. 

“Hey, you ready to go home?” James says softly, placing a hand on Alex's knee 

“I can't go home, I have to see John…” 

“Alex I don't think that's a good idea..martha and George aren't even here yet and no one knows where Johns brother is…”

“fine then I have to see them, I need to apologize, i-i have to talk to them please I'm fine,can't we wait for them?.” 

James just sighs, knowing outright how fucking stubborn Alex is and he'd have to drag him out of here sedated if he wanted to get home right now. 

As James was signing through some discharge paperwork and getting a prescription for pain pills, Alex picks a waiting room couch to camp on until the Washington's arrive. 

\-------

Herc finally found laf after he ran from the party. James came back and found him, explaining what happened. So here he finds laf, crumpled against a cop who stayed on the scene to observe cleanup and wait for someone to get Laf because he can't be alone right now. James approaches slowly, and places a tender hand on Laf’s shoulder. 

Laf looks up at him, the sight of him makes Herc hold in an audible gasp. 

His face is rear tracked, eyes bloodshot and swollen, he looks like he just watched everything he loved burst into dust and ashes and scatter into the winds. Hercules instantly kneels next to him, shifting his weight off the officer and onto Hercules’ shoulder as he strokes his hair softly. “Laf, hey babe… I'm here, I'm here.” He mumbles as laf limply throws himself into Herc’s chest dry heaving sobs, as if his body ran out of water to produce tears. 

Hercules just sighs sadly and pulls Laf up softly, pulling his arm around Herc’s shoulders and leads him to his car, helping Laf into the passenger seat softly. Herc had called Martha and was told to bring laf to the hospital so… here we are. 

The whole ride Laf just looks out the window. Maybe john is okay maybe John was just knocked out and now they're going to the hospital and John will be awake. John will be waiting for them and ready to go home, and Laf will take him to the beach and will apologize for making John choose between him and Alex because As long as John is alive, Laf will be happy. 

\--

As laf trudged into the waiting room, he instantly locked eyes on George and Martha, who seem to have just entered the waiting room also. Mustering up any remaining energy he has in him, laf pushes off of Hercules and catapults himself into Martha's open arms, sobbing into her softly cable knit cardigan, the familiarity of her and how he's felt like years have moved in front of his eyes in such a short time, he relaxes into her as her motherly properties calm him immensely 

“Shh-- shh baby I'm here.” She mumbles into his hair as she runs her hands through his tight curls, silently thanking the lord one of her babies is okay. 

Hercules watches the exchange silently, a small smile creeping across his face. Martha gave laf the comfort and peace of mind he needed right now, as they all waited for news on John. 

The peace didn't last long though. 

As laf looked up from Martha's now damp sweater, he caught the eyes of of course, Alexander Hamilton. Scrambling up from the waiting room chair he previously had occupied, before anyone could stop him he was instantly backing Alexander into the corner of his chair, screaming streams of French and American profanities 

“YOU DID THIS! You got what you wanted from him and then was done! Yo-you didn't even care enough to check on him! To MAKE SURE YOU BUCKLED HIM IN? MY BROTHER IS DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!” Laf rages on, flailing his arms as he speaks, the hot red anger is radiating off him in waves. 

“Gilbert! Please don't make a scene baby come sit down…” Martha coos softly trying to pull laf back by his arm. 

He just snatches his arm away and continues. 

“Laf you know I'd never do tha-” Alex tried to interject but was quickly cut off by a fist connecting to his jaw 

Martha pulls Laf back by the ear tightly, practically throwing him into the chair 

“Oh my god ENOUGH. Now, both of you listen to me .” Martha says, exasperated. 

“Mom--” laf starts but is quickly cut off by a swift wave of Martha's hand, anger ablaze in her eyes, enough to silence an army in one swift glance. 

“Carajo I said ‘enough’. I am SICK of all this fighting.” 

“Mrs. Washington I didn't even do anything?!” Alex clamours as he holds his chin, still tender from the punch 

Martha makes a closing motion with her hand, then a zip it motion across her lips “I think you BOTH have said plenty to each other. Now listen to what I say… Gilbert, you keep pushing everyone away!” 

Lafs jaw drops a little, as he stands to defend himself “I'm trying to!--” 

Martha simply pushes him back down into the waiting room chair shaking her head 

“I don't want to hear it! We talk things out like a family, and treating Alexander like that? You sound just like your father.. and we ALL know what a son of a bitch he was…” 

Lafs jaw drops softly as he crosses his arms, hurt crossing his face. 

“Okay Mari, let's talk about this calmly…” George says, placing a hand on her crossed arms, but she shrugs him away 

“No no no no! When you have a problem you come home! You don't go off and make matters worse on your own!” 

Laf sighs running his hands through his hair “I'm sorry…” 

“Damn right you're sorry.” She says nodding, then turning to Alexander 

“So you stayed out all night with John?” 

“Mrs. Washington…” 

“I'm talking now! You scared us half to death! Not only do we care for John but we care about you too Alexander and we were worried sick! You know that right?” She says flinging her arms down in exasperation.

“I'm sorry…” alex mumbles playing with the hem of his shirt silently 

“Don't apologize to me, you save it for when john wakes up… when you have a problem you both need to come home!” She sighs, and sits i between them pulling them both close in a hug.

“I love you both so much…” 

\--

Martha had since fallen asleep on George, who then fell asleep against the wall next to them. James said he'd bring Alex new clothes so he wasn't covered in his own blood all night. So here sat Alex and Laf, two seats apart, not a word uttered to each other. There was so much Alex wanted to say, he wanted to say that John saved his life, that thinking about being alone again made his throat burn worse than any malt liquor ever could. He wanted Laf to know that what happened with Thomas was a mistake, just two kids unsure what to do, but whatever John brought into Alex's life was so far from being a mistake. It was something that made Alex want to wake up in the morning to see John’s smiling face, it was what inspired Alex to write poems for John, and sonnets and hymns and songs and whole books and dictionaries where every definition made John smile because nothing was better than that smile. 

Laf wanted to say things too, of course. He wanted to apologize. He wanted to scream and shout that he is not his father he is not like that. He wants to whisper the apologies and let them dance across the open air of their space because words mean so much more when they're small, laf thinks to himself. He realizes he can't protect John from everything and realizes in trying to protect him, he hurt him more. And Laf wanted to thank Alex for taking care of him. 

Laf just sighed and turned, now facing Alex. 

“Alexandre…? May we speak?” Laf practically whispers, trying not to wake Martha or George who napped only two chairs over. 

“Laf I'm sorry, no-- I don't want you to apologize. I know I've always had ulterior motives with my romantic escapades but you have to understand, I love John. I really do. And I can't imagine a day away from him or even an hour and my chest is on fire, I feel like there's nothing I can do and I'm helpless and I want nothing more than to be in that bed instead of him.” 

Laf takes a deep breath, then crushes Alex in a hug, tears freely flowing as if he hasn't cried enough tonight. 

“Alexandre I just needed to protect him and I didn't think he could tell your character without being shrouded by his own hearts wants but I see now you're not going to hurt him. I am so sorry Mon Ami.” 

They both hold tightly onto each other for a moment, before a doctor steps Infront of the group clearing his throat softly.


	12. “Your voice brings me home.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John’s POV

The light turns green and Alex starts to roll through the intersection, and I can hear the smile in his voice as he murmurs “John, I love you.”

Instantly I’m grinning like an idiot, my cheeks burning from smiling “Alex, I think I love y-”

That’s the last thing I remember. 

That and pain, searing pain, not just one identified place in my body, but everywhere. Every inch of me hurts, but I can’t bring himself to even figure out why. Everything was dark, but not the usual dark, where there were little bits of light peaking in, and i could hear someone breathing next to me, 

No, just dark, unfiltered silence and pain. 

It feels like hours of passed, me being unable to move. Hours of fire burning through my body and just praying for some type of relief. 

until suddenly everything was too bright at once, too much light being filtered in, too many noises. The pain that was a dull burn throughout myself was now front and center, ripping me apart from the inside out.

Sirens, honking horns of cars passing, I feel people working around me, buzzing as if we were in a beehive. 

“We have a pulse! Good work Nala.”

“Charge the paddles to 300 just in case... watch him...”  
“Poor boy.. his boyfriend was a wreck too.. god I hope he makes it..” 

“Hernandez don’t say that. He’s gonna be fine.” 

I feel a cool hand push my hair back softly, the cold cutting through heat I didn’t know my body was saving up, but instantly the darkness swallowing the edges of light away from my eyes again quickly. 

I hear one of the people, presumably the one who’s hand is pressed to my forehead mumble into my ear 

“Stay alive for me...” 

I wanted to scream, I wanted her to stay and help me, let me know where I was or what was happening, I wanted to beg her for help, beg to let me go home or tell me where Alex was but just as fast as she was here, she was gone. 

But The darkness was different this time, there was no pain, and it wasn’t laying motionless, unable to move. I had to be in a dream, i had to be. 

Because I can see myself. 

I’m Staring in a mirror in some identifiable space. At some point along the way i must’ve forgotten what i looked like, because the image staring back at me made no sense, I’m tall and thin, i of course didn’t lose the freckles of my childhood, they’ve multiplied almost entirely from my cheeks to my whole fucking face.  
My eyes were so green, I could hardly remember the color now, but I see the green and flecks of auburn reminding me of my mother. God I’m a mess. 

 

But I knew my hair was nice because Martha actually just cut it for me. (God, Martha... where is she? What happened?... I miss her.) 

it was short on the sides and bunches of curls tied into a bun on the top of my head. I just nod to myself and sigh, confused only more as to what is going on? Why can i see myself? Why is it so dark? 

 

“John...?” 

A soft voice calls out to me, light and feminine. different from the last voice he heard.

Instantly, I felt recognition wash over me, it’s her... i-i can’t believe it’s her 

“John dear...” 

Instantly I’m turning in all directions, looking for her, searching, she’s got to be here she has to... 

Finally, I see her, I SEE her, 

And she’s beautiful, just like I remember. Her long curly hair flowing freely around her shoulders, her green eyes blazing with a strength I’ve seemingly forgotten. Her arms are out to me, 

“Ma!” I scream and run full speed into her arms, collapsing against her. 

My mom, oh my god. I must be dead. 

But does that matter? 

She just giggles softly and pulls me tighter to her, pulling us both to the ground softly, she still smells like honey and lavender, she’s warm and caring, and fuck did I miss her. 

“M-Mom I’m sorry I’m sorry, I-“ 

She pulls my head up softly by my chin and smiles, wiping my tears softly off of my cheeks 

“Hello to you too, mijo...” her voice is light, but grounding. Like a melody I’ve heard before 

“Ma, I’ve missed you so much..” 

“John, I’m sorry I left you with him, I— John we had you out of love.. I never, I’m so sorry.” 

I shifted in her arms softly, still breathing in her scent 

“No.. no it’s okay. M-my family now, they’re amazing... i-i have a brother.. and George and Martha are so sweet and take care of me..” 

My mom just nods, pushing my hair back softly, smiling as she studies my face. 

“I’m so proud of you, you know that, baby? You make me so proud everyday... you work so hard and you take care of the people you care about... I raised you so well.” 

I smile and hug her tightly again, I’ve thought about what this would be for years, would she be proud? Would she still love me. 

“S-so what happened? Where am I..?” 

I watched my mother physically tense, she sighed and looked down to me, forcing a sad smile across her face. 

“You and that boy.. the small one with the black hair... you became upset so he was taking you away from the party and a truck ran a red light and hit his car, on the passenger side..” 

“Oh my god is he okay?!” 

My mom just laughs at me, it doesn’t help the nerves starting to course though my body. 

“Mijo relax... he’s perfectly fine.. you- you’re not though. That’s why I’m here.” 

I sit up, looking at her confusedly. She sits up on her knees and grabs my hands softly 

“Listen to me mijo. You need to go home. Those people need you, that boy, he needs you.. your new parents need you” 

“No- no I can’t! You’re my mom, I need you! I can see you, I can’t see them, I don’t know them! You’re my mom! Don’t leave me again please!” Tears are burning down my cheeks, I can feel them pooling and dropping off my chin one after another. 

“John I’ll always be your mom, and I’ll always be with you, but you need to go home.” 

She pulls her hands out of mine softly, and covers my eyes, her hands are warm, and inviting, suddenly any pain I was carrying in my eyes and head were gone, her touch having almost a healing sense to them. 

“N-no.. mom... please. I want to stay with you. I’m so tired, I just want to go..” 

“go where mijo?” 

“Wherever you go.. heaven, or some kind of reincarnation i-i don’t know but I don’t want to go back there...” 

She pulls me tightly into a hug again, and I cry into her hair softly 

“John, I want you to come home with me, I miss you every day, but you need to take care of your new family... Martha is so scared... I hope you’ll never know the pain of losing a child..” 

I just nod into her hair, thinking about how much I missed Martha, and how wrong I felt because I wanted to see her. 

“Why are you crying mijo, talk to me...” z

I sigh, and shakily wipe my face “I’ve spent my whole life missing you, and now I’m with you and all I can think is how much I miss Martha... and George, and Gilbert...” 

My mother smiles and tucks a curl behind my ear, “and the boy? From the car?” 

I smile and look down at my hands, Alexander fucking Hamilton... 

“Yeah. Alexander..” 

She smiled then pointed to her left, where he was standing... I’ve never seen him before, but I could only imagine that was him, his long raven hair I’ve pulled my fingers through before is up, a messy bun thrown up in seconds, dried blood on his head from under a bandage, his hands are covered in bandages and gauze. 

I stand up, walking up to him slowly, he’s just looking down at his bandaged hands, unmoving, tear tracks staining his face. 

“I-is he okay...?” I stutter out, reaching out to touch his hands softly 

“He’ll be fine.. some cuts and scrapes, but he thinks he did this to you, that this is all his fault” 

My head snaps up, looking between her, and Alexander. “No, why? It- it wasn’t him! He’d never hurt me, what...what happened to me?” 

I see my mother sigh, looking away, and suddenly I’m looking at myself, but... a different me, my face is cut and bruised, and I have a neck brace, my head is being held down by straps on a bed, there’s wires and a tube down my throat, I almost don’t even recognize myself. 

“You- your seatbelt wasn’t on.. it was just a 5 minute drive and you both just forgot about it..” 

She took a deep breath before continuing 

“the car flipped and they think you broke your neck but they had to rush you in to surgery for your lungs because your rib pierced your left lung. So now they’re just waiting” 

I sighed and looked around the room my body was laying in, just a standard hospital room, I suppose. Next to the bed was two older people, around 30 to 35. One was a woman with warm olive skin and thick black curly hair, the other was a man, who was darker complected, and bald, holding her tightly as the woman cried into his shirt. 

“Who are they?” I asked looking at my mother, my heart broke for her. 

“That’s Martha and George, your new parents.” 

My eyes grow wide as I realize. I’ve never seen them, but this is what I imagined. Although she was crying, I could see her smile lines, I could feel that same maternal instinct from the first day I met her when they adopted me and I can tell that she’s just a warm and loving woman that would be a great mother to anyone. 

“She looks nice... not what I’d imagined, but she’s beautiful” I say softly, pushing a curl out of her face. 

For a second she looks up at me and let’s a small gasp drop from her lips, like she can almost see me. 

My mother wraps an arm around my shoulder and smiles “and she loves you more than you could ever imagine... as much as if she’s raised you and birthed you herself. And for that I am forever thankful...” 

I just nod and turn to my mother, the scene infront of us disappearing 

“I’m ready to go back...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you miss me? I missed you. I’m sorry this is 5 months late. And this doesn’t solve the cliff hanger. 
> 
> But- I really enjoyed making this chapter. I think connecting with your past loved ones in dreams, or even in situations like being between life and death (like poor little John here) is important because idk that’s me and I have a couple dreams where I see my grandmother and I get sometype of life advice idk. 
> 
> I’m off for the winter holidays so hopefully I can finish this up with the last two chapters (that I have been so sad about. This is one of my most popular fics and I wish I could stretch it out but the end I have planned doesn’t allow for like a sequel like Can You Hear Me, :/ but I’m gonna miss this story so much... 
> 
>  
> 
> UPDATE; I completely forgot [Irxnkeys made fan art for this fic!?](https://instagram.com/p/BZgoYBsnjca/)
> 
> Go check it out!?!?!!!!!! I’m STILL CRYING ABT IT if you wanna make a fan art or whateva send it to me on Instagram or tumblr! 
> 
> Comments/Kudos APPRICATED I LOVE YOU THANKS FOR READING.


	13. “Never a day of rest.”

Authors note: the last chapter was John’s POV obviously, but it spans from the ambulance, through surgery, and ending with Martha and George being in his room. The chapter before this (chapter 11) was the doctor just coming to get George and Martha, so that’s where this is gonna kick off, at the cliffhanger. 

 

Instantly, everyone locks eyes with the doctor, listening intently. 

The doctor sighs and flips open the file in his hand, examining it silently. “I take it you’re all here for John Laurens?” 

George and Martha stand, instantly infront of the doctor, who’s name plate reads “Dr. Hosack” 

“I’m his mother, and this is his father, Were here for him..” Martha stutters out, wringing her hands between each other 

“I—is he going be be okay? I just need to know if he’s going to be okay.” 

Dr. Hosack sighs, not an indignant sigh, more of a sad sigh, a ‘I wish I could do more’ sigh. 

“I’m doing everything I can...” Hosack says, pain lacing his voice, he doesn’t want to ever have a kid die on his watch, let alone an eighteen year old boy with his whole life ahead of him. 

“He— John has a long recovery ahead of him.. his lung was punctured in two places, he suffered significant head trauma, and he isn’t awake yet..but, I expect a full recovery.” 

The room seems to deflate as everyone releases the breath they’ve been holding, Laf envelopes Alexander in a hug, who is crying into Lafs shoulder. George just kisses Martha’s forehead as she continues listening to the doctor. 

Dr. Hosack leads the group of four back, as Alexander anxiously pulls apart one of the bandages on his hand, if he just sees John it’ll be okay, he’ll know he’ll be okay. 

The doctor clears his throat and motions towards a smaller waiting room inside the ICU unit, “hospital rules are that only two people are allowed in at one time, and we prefer that it sticks to family only” 

“Well good thing these are both my sons.” Martha shoots back, her death glare beginning to burn holes into Dr. Hosack. He just nods and shies slightly away from Martha’s hot gaze. 

“Of course. Just stating rules for legal purposes.” 

George and Martha were let in first as Laf and Alex were send to the waiting room, where ‘Anastasia’ was playing on the TV. 

Alex laid across one of the couches as a nurse closed the door for them as the TV began to sing. 

“Someone holds me safe and warm,  
Horses prance through a silver storm.  
Figures dancing gracefully  
Across my memory...

 

Alex just sighs and turns over on the couch away from the tv and tries to get some sleep.  
—————

George and Martha are led in the hospital room by Dr. Hosack, the lights are dimmed, but Martha can’t help but gasp at the sight of John. She pulls away from George, who Hosack is still talking to. 

Her poor baby, so small and broken in this bed. 

Martha takes a deep breath as her hand floats above his, hesitating, scared to hurt him.

She slips her hand into his softly and squeezes his hand 

“I’m here quierdo, I’m here... it’s gonna be okay.” 

And for a second, maybe even a millisecond, Martha is almost sure he squeezes back. 

 

—————

After maybe two hours, Martha tells George to go get something to eat, and left laf come in. George tries to convince Martha to come too but she won’t let John out of her sights, not for a minute. 

So he just sighs and goes to the waiting room, where Alex slept on the couch, now covered by Laf’s coat, curled in on himself. Laf on the other hand was coloring in some long abandoned, half finished coloring book and olde Ros-Art crayons from the nurses station. 

George smiles and clears his throat softly, causing Laf to look up and smile sadly 

“Hello mon pere... how is little John?” Laf practically whispers, trying not to wake Alexander. 

“He’s doing fine... strong heart beat, John’s a fighter Gilbert, you know that.” 

Laf just nods and looks back at his coloring sheet, the teddy bear on the page has been perfectly colored, while the rest of the page some child must’ve scribbled on previously. 

“You can go see him, I’m gonna grab a bite to eat then I’ll stay here with Alexander until you’re ready to come back..?” 

Instantly laf is on his feet hugging George tightly. George just chuckles and hugs him back, then releasing him and pointing him in the direction of the hospital room where John lays, Martha’s silhouette noticeable through the frosted window looking into his room. 

Laf couldn’t stop himself from holding his breath as he held the door handle to John’s room. What would he see? Would it still be his brother? Or would it just be a now stranger in a bed? Will John ever get back to being John? Or just a ghost in a shell of the former John? 

‘No Gilbert, it’s not time to be a weenie, be a man, go in there.’ Laf thought to himself as he forced the door open, and instantly took a seat next to Martha, who just wrapped her hand around his, while her other hand still occupied John’s. 

Gilbert couldn’t help but smile, John was breathing on his own, John had his own heartbeat, and that was good enough for him. 

—————

Alexander sat up, silently stretching his aching body, which reminded him that last night was in fact not a terrible dream he had just woken up from. 

He could feel the dread rising in his throat already as he wrapped himself in Laf’s coat. 

“Good morning, Son.” George said, looking up from the days paper he picked up from the cafeteria, startling Alexander as he rubbed the last of the sleep from his eyes 

“Where is everyone?” Alexander grumbled, his throat hoarse from screaming and crying last night. 

“I finally convinced Martha to go home and shower and get changed, laf is in John’s room, and I’m here so you didn’t wake up alone.” 

Alexander just nodded, noting the pain in his throat and the pain throbbing his forehead. 

“I brought you a muffin and a cup of coffee, it’s probably cold because it’s—“ George twists his wrist to check the time— “2:30pm.” 

“I didn’t mean to sleep that long... you could’ve woken me.” Alexander mumbled as he sipped the chilled coffee, ignoring his muffin. 

“Alex we’ve known you since you were 13, I know damn well you never sleep and I’ll take any silence I can get from you.” He adds with a fatherly ‘dad-joke’ laugh, it makes Alexander smile, the familiarity of his laugh and how much time he spent at the Washington’s as a kid. 

Alexander spends the next five minutes fidgeting on how to ask to see John. He for once doesn’t want to be assertive, doesn’t want to demand to see John right now and make sure he’s okay.

He’s obviously okay, Laf is in there with him.

But George can tell Alexander is bouncing with anticipation, nerves stemming out of every inch of him. 

“Room 215 Alexander, first hallway, second door on the left.” He says without even looking up from his paper. 

Alexander is instantly on his feet, first throwing his arms around George in a tight hug, then running out of the waiting room, as George just sits there stunned by Alexander’s hug. 

—————

Suddenly nerves were striking Alexander, causing his hand to hesitate on the knob. He can’t be scared, he has to be strong. Yeah, hospitals freak him out but he needs to be there for John, he needs to be there no matter his condition. 

So Alexander forces himself to push the door softly, peeping in to Laf hushing John, who was wiggling wildly against the restraints of the bed, monitors beeping wildly around them 

“ALEXANDRE PLEASE GET THE NURSE!” Laf screams as he’s holding John down.  
Alex just turns and runs to the nurses station.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact dr. Hosack is the doctor who worked on philip and Alexander after their respective duels


	14. “An eye for an eye”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i uploaded this once but the date was set for may so lets try again, here we go.

Alexander ran as fast as his feet could carry him. He had to find the nurse. 

Find the nurses station. Find the nurses station. Find a nurse, John needs a nurse. Alexander doesn’t even reach the nurses station, he just finds the first person in scrubs to pull back into John’s room. 

“PLEASE, JOHN NEEDS HELP DON’T KNOW WHATS WRONG PLEASE.”

The nurse just nods and follows him into the room where John is continuing to strain against his restraints 

The nurse just bumps Laf out of the way softly, fidgeting around the machines connected to him. 

“He’s just coming out of it, give him a second.” She says clearing her throat, tapping his arm

“John? John Laurens, is that you? You’re at Liberty Tree Hospital in New York, Do you know that?” She says loud and clearly, instantly John starts calming down slightly, the machines stop beeping rapidly as he relaxes 

Alexander looks over to Laf, who is smiling teary eyed as he looks at John. John has a look of fe — 

John has a look of fear in his eyes? The nurse looks back to both Alex, then Laf, confusion crossing her face as she pulls his chart off the end of the bed.  
“I—“ she stutters out, before storming out of the room without another word. 

John is still breathing heavily, coming down from what Alex can only infer as a panic attack. 

Laf steps up closer to the bed, clearing his throat softly. 

“Hello, mon fere, can you hear me?” 

Instantly, John is struggling to turn his head to look at Laf, his eyes wild and confused like a young deer thrown into a crowded street for the first time. Instantly Laf jumps back, confused more than anything. Before either can say anything else, the previous nurse, Dr. Hosack and both George and Martha are rushing in the room, all speaking a mile a minute, Alex pushed back into the corner of the room, silently observing all of it. 

Dr. Hosack pulls a small black flashlight out of his coat pocket, turning it on.  
“John, I need you to relax and stay still, okay? I’m your doctor, Dr. Hosack. Just stay still.” Dr. Hosack shines the light in one of his eyes, then pulls it away, doing the same in the other eye, a confused and curious look crossing his face 

“Okay, good work John, now follow my light if you can okay?” 

John grunts and as dr. Hosack sweeps the light back and forth across John’s face, he follows easily. 

The room is dead silent, you could hear a pin drop as everyone looks at each other, all confused, all craving answers. 

Dr. Hosack just nods and backs away from the bed. 

“Okay John, you did so well. Nancy here is gonna get that tube out of your throat and run some tests then we can talk, okay..? Me and your family are gonna step out for a minute, but by time you’re done we’ll be back” 

John just nods weakly as Nancy began moving around him, adjusting a few things and testing levels as dr. Hosack leads Martha, George, Laf and Alexander out into the hallway and then into his office a few doors down. 

Before Dr. Hosack can even close the door Martha slams her hands down on his desk 

“WHAT THE _FUCK_ IS GOING ON HERE.” 

Instantly the room is silent, all eyes fixed on Martha, who is keeping her stance, glaring over the desk into Dr. Hosack eyes. George stands quietly, wrapping a hand around Martha’s much smaller one, cooling the hot spots on her palms from slamming them on the desk instantly. She looks up at him, and his calm brown eyes cool her raging anger somehow. He always had that effect on her. 

“Relájate, respira.” He said softly, causing her to take a deep breath and a seat infront of dr. Hosack’s desk, who has remained silent the whole time. 

“Sorry, it’s just... it’s just frustrating to watch my son lay in a bed, hurt and then wake up scared and panicking. Please, say what you need to say.” Martha breathes out, clutching George’s hand tightly. 

Dr. Hosack just nods apologetically, a sense of understanding clears the air, he’d be lying if he wouldn’t do the same for any of his children. 

“I understand Mrs. Washington, believe me.” He takes a deep breath and pulls out a file with John’s name on it, flicking through some papers. 

“Being his adoptive parents, I presume you know how John lost his sight, correct?” 

Martha and George just nod, as Martha repressed burning anger that flares in her chest at the mention of John’s father, direct or indirect. 

“Yes, his father beat him, and at some point John fell and hit his head, right at the base of his neck by his optical nerve.” Martha fills in the silence as the doctor nodded. 

“Yes. Well... I don’t know how to put this, but there are—“ Dr. Hosack pauses, choosing his words carefully. 

“—extremely rare cases, of head trauma blindness being reversed by a second head trauma. It is very rare and almost impossible to explain. The brain is a complex machine and scientific mystery to most of the medical world.” 

“So you’re saying John can see now?” Alexander pips up from the corner of the room where he and Laf overtook a couch, listening intently. 

Dr. Hosack just nods. 

“His eyes were wildly reactive to the light when I tested his pupil reaction to light, and he was able to follow the light easily.” 

Martha had tears running down her cheeks. Smiling as she clutched Georges hand, who was also misty eyed. 

“There is a possibility of course that he will need glasses, but Nancy should be running a quick eye test, and she should be finishing up now, let’s return to the room.” 

Dr. Hosack stands and leads the group back to John’s room, where Nancy has just finished changing the gauze on his arm. 

John was now sat upright, the Tube out of his throat. His head was no longer restrained down from moving, but just wearing a neck brace, his head laying back against the rough hospital pillow. He looked exhausted, like sleep has been eluding him, even though he’s been asleep 48 hours technically. He glanced over to the now open door and smiled weakly. 

“Well Hello John, hello Nancy. How did the tests go?” Dr. Hosack asks, taking John’s clipboard softly from her hands 

“He passed the reflex test, so no long term neck or spine injuries, did well with feeding tube removal—“ she says going down the list of tests, 

“— the neck brace is just because he did pull a few muscles in his neck due to whiplash, but only for around two weeks should be it.” Nancy says, directing her answer to Martha, who just ignores her as she stares at John, but George nods for her taking in the information. 

“Finally, the vision test. John is sitting right at a 20/40 vision, which is an extraordinary improvement from being classified as “low vision” blind.. we can refer an optometrist who’ll come out and fit you for glasses before you leave the hospital.” Dr. Hosack says, nodding to John before walking out. 

Before anyone can notice, Alexander slips out right behind the doctor, letting Martha and John’s family have a moment. 

————— 

Martha steps up to the bed, pushing John’s hair out of his face softly, misplacing a curl from the rest of the curls. 

“Hey mijo, how are you feeling?” Martha practically whispers, tears rimminng her eyes. John just smiles and leans his face into her hand. 

“I’ve been better, mama. But I guess today has an upside.” He says, his voice rough and raspy from the tube removal. Martha just shakes her head and grabs his chin softly so he would look at her in the eyes, a first for him. 

“Listen to me Quierdo, it doesn’t matter that you can see, or that you can do the jig right here on this hospital floor now, all that matters is you came back to me. I was so scared, you’re my baby boy and— and I was so— I was so scared.” She practically whispered out, clutching his hand tightly, practically breaking his fingers. 

He chuckles softly, trying not to hurt his throat anymore.  
“No mama, I’m here. I’m staying right here.” 

“Good mijo, Good.” 

————— 

After what seemed like an hour of Martha fretting and worrying, the optometrist coming in and bringing John a set of round, thicker glasses to wear, George finally pulled Martha away to grab a bite to eat, leaving Laf and John in the room. 

Laf sighed and threw himself into the chair next to the bed, resting his head in his hands. 

“Gil, come on Gil, look at me. I can do that now.” John whispers, laughing softly to himself. This elicits a giggle from Gil, who wipes his eyes on the back of his hand, then locks eyes with John. 

“Hello Mon fere. I am so sorry for all the things I yelled to you. You did not deserve that.” 

John just scoffs and waves his good hand dismissively. He turns softly so he is facing Gil, and smiles. 

“Gil don’t do that. You didn’t do anything. You wanted to protect me. I’m fine, I’m fine.” He says nudging Gil, who continues to wipe his tears. Gil just takes a deep breath and grabs John’s hand softly.  
“I’m just— I’m glad you’re still here little john, I don’t know what I would’ve done without you” 

After a few secluded minutes of chatting, John could feel his eyelids getting heavy, sleep eluding him up until this moment. But a realization struck him 

“Where did Alexander go? I’d like to, yenno, see him.” John mumbled, laughing to himself about being able to finally say “see him” instead of any other phrase. 

“I will go fetch him—“ Gil says, standing from his seat. 

——————

As Laf walked out of John’s room he almost instantly tripped over Alexander, who had been sitting outside the door for an hour. Laf looked down at Alexander who now was looking up at Laf had a worried, almost hurt look on his face. Laf just nodded and sat next to him, crossing his legs over one another 

“What is wrong Mon ami? John would like to see you...” 

Alexander just sighed and rested his head in his hands. “Laf, I am so happy that John can see again, I want everything good to happen to him, but I’m no prize. Okay? I can get away with charming people with words but... I don’t know. It’s whatever— forget I said anything” Alexander said indignantly, pulling his phone out of his pocket. 

“No— no we’re not ‘forgetting’ anything you said, Alexandre. What were you going to say?” 

“Just— John is beautiful. And handsome. And charming, and belongs in some southern debutant ball, while I’m just— I’m the ugly fucking duckling. There.” 

“You are worried John will not like your face?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Alexandre you may be smart but you are so fucking stupid. John loves you for your personality, how you can make him smile, and how protective of him you are. Not because you’re a dime piece.” 

Alexander laughs at this, Laf trying to use American slang, but just shakes his head 

 

“O-okay.. I’m gonna—“ he stutters, pointing back to the door, standing. 

——————

He knocks first, not waiting for a reply before entering. Instantly John looks at him and smiles weakly, but it makes Alex’s heart flutter almost breaking his own rib cage. 

“Hey starlight, how you feeling?” Alex says, leaning on the bed rail, pulling one of John’s curls softly, stretching it out then pushing it back. John just shrugs, watching Alex pull the curl and rearrange it. 

“Better now that you’re here.” 

Alex laughs, wiping his eyes softly. “Shut up John... you would’ve been fine without me.. you really would’ve been fine without me...” 

“Alex you’re really not blaming yourself for the accident are you?” 

“I mean—“ 

“Stop. Seriously, it wasn’t you.” 

“Y-yeah..” 

John clears his throat, taking the few seconds of silence in stride. It wasn’t an awkward silence, just a calm silence falling between them. 

“Thanks for staying alive.” Alex mutters, earning a swat and a giggle from John. 

Fin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “UhH I HaVe A dEgReE iN oPtOmEtRy aNd ThIs iS ImPoSsIbLe!!!?!!?&” 
> 
> Don’t come for me, I just wrote a 14 page thesis for my deaf and blind educators class about how traumatic blindness can be reversed by another trauma. Google it, there are plenty of stories about this happening. 
> 
>  
> 
> But wow, I can’t believe this fic is over. It was really ambitious of me to write this because I really have no background knowledge on being blind except for what you pick up from deaf and blind classes. I really truly enjoyed this though, there’s probably going to be one last post, which is gonna be a short epilogue. 
> 
> If you enjoy my writing please check my other stories! ‘Can You Hear Me?/I Can Hear You.’ Is my deaf!alex au, that has no end in sight, and once I wrap this story up I’m starting an Anastasia/Lams story. Because I love Anastasia. 
> 
>  
> 
> Also— who would you think would fit Anya in the Anastasia AU? John or Alex? Let me know in the comments thx.


	15. Not an update

I uploaded the first chapter of my Anastasia fic, it’s (eventually) going to be Hamliza, so there’s that. 

Angelica: her grandma   
Eliza: Anastasia   
Hamilton: demitri   
Hercules: vladimir   
Laf: her aunt Sophie that helps Anya meet w/ her grandmother in Paris. 

It’s also mostly based on the 1997 Anastasia movie, not the play. But I will be pulling things from the play as well. 

It’s called “A Rumor in St. Petersburg” go check it out and tell me if it was complete trash or not thanks!

**Author's Note:**

> [follow my Instagram!](https://www.instagram.com/hamilton_trashdump/)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Or 
> 
>  
> 
> [follow my Tumblr!](https://www.yo-soy-vic.tumblr.com/)


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